TERRORVISION

1986

Directed by Ted Nicolaou
Starring Gerrit Graham, Mary Woronov, Diane Franklin, Chad Allen, Jonathan Gries, Jennifer Richards, Alejandro Rey and Bert Remsen

"People of Earth, your planet is about to be destroyed -- we're terribly sorry for the inconvenience," reads the tagline for this 1986 classic. When the Putterman family installs a satelite dish, they get more than porn from around the world -- they also receive a transmission of space junk. The space junk turns out to be a monster called a hungry beast. The hungry beast begins to eat the collected Putterman clan and their houseguests. This group of food for the hungry beast includes a militant survivalist grandfather, a pair of swinger parents, their swinger guests, a punk rocker daughter, her heavy metal boyfriend, the son that no one will believe about the monster in the house, and an Elvira-style TV show hostess named Medusa. Salvation comes in the form of the owner of the hungry beast who informs the survivors that hungry beasts are lovable pets -- that is, until they mutate. It's now up to the alien to save the Puttermans as well as the rest of Earth.

This movie has a great soundtrack that was released by Enigma records and comes highly recommended by the Doc if you can find it. The performances by everyone are great but Gerrit Graham is the by far the funniest member of the cast. This movie is a very funny parody of life in the suburbs as well as sending up Horror and Sci-Fi movies.

Since its release, TERRORVISION has always had a special place in the Doctor's cold cruel heart. For that I give it 4 Doctor Muertes out of 4 on the Muertemeter.

Doctor Muerte prescribes the following for viewers of TERRORVISION:

*A couple sticks of lizard tail jerky.

*Invite some local swingers over for a TERRORVISION key party.

URGH! A MUSIC WAR

1981

Directed by Derek Burbidge

Starring Devo, Oingo Boingo, Dead Kennedys, The Cramps, Go-Go's, Klaus Nomi, Gary Numan, Wall of Voodoo, XTC, X, Joan Jett, 999, Gang of Four, Magazine, Surf Punks, Athletico Spizz 80, Pere Ubu, Invisible Sex, Members, Fleshtones, Orchestral Manoeuvres, UB40, Echo and the Bunnymen, Alley Cats, Splodgeness Abounds, Au-Pairs, The Police, Toyah Wilcox, John Cooper Clarke, Chelsea, Jools Holland, John Otway, Skafish and Steel Pulse.

Some acts in this movie are great, some are ridiculous, and a very few just plain suck. In the end you get the ultimate documentation of the Punk, New Wave, Ska and Reggae music scenes in the early 80's.

There is very little in the way of dialogue in this film apart from a few short scenes that establish certain acts. For instance, Wall of Voodoo is fishing off a pier and someone brings them a telephone and says "phone call for Wall of Voodoo". Or there's a heavily made-up hipster girl who says "Welcome to the Ritz!" as an intro to the unbelievable Klaus Nomi performance. These scenes don't occur before each act; in fact there are probably only about four of them. What is the significance of talking about these little vignettes, you ask? I'll tell you: this movie is truly a music war.

Rather than following the bands around to their homes and hangouts ala DECLINE OF WESTERN CIVILIZATION or THE PUNK ROCK MOVIE, this film lets the music speak for itself. Not that D.O.W.C. and T.P.R.M. are worse than URGH!, just different. D.O.W.C. and T.P.R.M. are documentaries that capture not only the music but the cultural and social significance of Punk Rock as well. URGH!, on the other hand, documents a wider variety of acts in a greater number of locations, but is essentially a collection of live music videos. I recommend viewing all of these movies, but let's get back to the issue at hand and that is URGH! A MUSIC WAR.

Marvel as Oingo Boingo rips through "Ain't This the Life!"

Join the mass of spuds at a Devo arena concert!

Stare in amazement at the bizarre spectacle that is Klaus Nomi, the opera singing robot!

Yes, you get to see many of the Doctor's all time favorite bands in action in this movie. But you also get bands that have caused the Doctor to reach for the fast-forward button on the remote.

See the idiotic aerobics style dancing of the hideously untalented Toyah Wilcox!

Cringe in the face of Skafish!

Demand pitchforks and torches to hunt down the Au-Pairs!

This movie is not an easy one to come by. It also doesn't seem to have been successful upon its initial release. I say this because I have met very few people who have seen or heard of this movie. This is a shame because it is a highly entertaining movie and deserves to be remastered and rereleased. That goes double for the soundtrack album. I give Urgh! A Music War 4 Dr. Muertes out of 4 on the Muertemeter.

Doctor Muerte prescribes the following for viewers of URGH! A MUSIC WAR:

*A healthy dose of Gary Numan's stage show. He is driving a little car around the stage in front of a giant wall that lights up in time to the music. It walks a fine line between great and utterly ridiculous. Only Gary Numan could pull that one off and make it look cool.

*Daily applications of an ointment containing 10% of Lux Interior of The Cramps face becoming something other than human during a performance of "Tear It Up." The video release has a picture of this for the cover.

*A glycerin suppository known as URGH! 2: A MUSIC BORE, this would star today's hottest acts. Imagine Britney Spears, Limp Bizkit, The Backstreet Boys, Creed, The Dave Matthews Band and many more live in concert. On second thought don't imagine that, I guess it's true that you can never go home again.

VIDEO VIOLENCE

1987

Directed by Gary Cohen
Starring Art Neill, Jackie Neill, Uke and some other people you've never heard of.

Shot on video with terrible sound, VIDEO VIOLENCE is tough to get through in one sitting. The terrible sound doesn't apply to the skull-poundingly awful score, so in order to hear the dialogue you must endure the awful music at an inhuman volume. VIDEO VIOLENCE is about a video owner that keeps receiving snuff films in his store's overnight drop slot. To make a long and stupid story short, the whole town is behind the making of the snuff films and they need the video store as a place to rent the snuff films. The town kills the owner and his wife and takes over the video store.

This movie is trying really hard to be a funny send-up of horror movies but fails miserably. It has a decent start, but about 15 minutes into the movie -- when you have already figured out what the crazy twist ending is going to be -- you will invariably find yourself asking the question, "Why am I still watching this?"

There is an effectively creepy and somewhat funny scene stuck in the middle, where a pair of drunken rednecks torture and kill a girl while performing a mock talk show. But the scene is ruined by an icepick being pulled from the girl that is obviously being slid across the side of her chest. It's the same effect as when a kid sticks an arrow in their armpit to pretend they've been impaled. The director obviously thought this was an effective illusion worthy of being immortalized on video. Or perhaps the director thought it was funny because the movie is supposed to be funny, at least that's what the video box told me. The box also told me that the movie was "Too Violent To Rate." Are you laughing yet? God knows I'm not. The baffling bit on the box is that it bears the seal of approval of Church of the Subgenius icon Bob Dobbs. This seal of approval gave me a shred of hope for the tape contained within. Now I can only hope that this review prevents people from making the same mistake. VIDEO VIOLENCE bears the Doctor Muerte Seal of Disapproval and gets 1 Doctor Muertes out of 4 on the Muerte Meter for a few (very few) decent moments.

Doctor Muerte prescribes the following for viewers of VIDEO VIOLENCE:

*Notice the woman renting BLOOD CULT which is also shot on video and sucks even more than VIDEO VIOLENCE making you realize there are worse movies you could be watching.

*Also take into consideration the man renting PIECES which is a far superior movie and reminds you that there are better movies you could watching.

*Warning! Side effects include boredom, nausea and VIDEO VIOLENCE 2: Yes, somehow there was a sequel made to this piece of crap.

VIOLENT SHIT 2: MOTHER HOLD MY HAND

1995

Directed by Andreas Schnaas
Starring K. The Butcher Shitter, Gabi Bazner, Wolfgang Hinz, Volker Mechter and Christian Biallas

The title Violent Shit 2 pretty much sums up this no budget German movie. This is a horribly stupid shot on video horror comedy. This is the kind of movie Peter Jackson would make if he were a moron.

The non-existent plot of this movie is about the son of a serial killer named Karl the Butcher whose exploits were documented in the first "Violent Shit". Karl's widow has brought up their son to be a killer just like his dad. The bulk of the movie is just a bunch of low budget splatter effects that range from decent to miserable. There is an attempt at tasteless humor but it falls flat because it is all handled without the tiniest shred of cleverness. There are gags involving victims shitting themselves, talking severed heads and testicle popping.

The Doctor will now give you a basic idea of a typical scene in "Violent Shit 2", at one point Karl Jr. rips out a bloody tampon from a very fake looking vagina then staples the vagina shut, but the comedy doesn't stop there folks. For being such a good boy and mutilating this woman's vagina Karl Jr. gets to go down on his mother. Are you laughing? I know I sure was.

This movie makes the worst Troma movie look like Masterpiece Theater. Contained within this abortion there is but one funny gag. In a flashback to Karl Jr.'s childhood, Jr.'s mom is telling him a pornographic bedtime story, while the little monster sucks the thumb of a severed hand. This scene made the Doctor crack a smile, but even so, I still hated this movie.

When the title makes it clear that you are about to see violent shit it is hard to attack the quality of this movie. Well, no it really isn't that hard at all. This movie is terrible, there is absolutely no reason to watch this at all. The Doctor has seen a lot of terrible movies and this is easily one of the worst. I would rather watch a romantic comedy directed by Diane Keaton, starring Sandra Bullock, Julia Roberts, Tom Hanks and Jim Carrey than ever sit through this movie again. And who in the name of Remo Williams gave Andreas Schnaas the six dollar budget to make this piece of shit? Is Andreas Schnaas a ten year old boy? That would certainly explain the abundance of witty content of this movie.

Hey Doctor, who is that rocking band responsible for the awesome Violent Shit theme song?

Why it's Vice Versa, Germany's answer to The Kids of Widney High. Wait, it isn't right of the Doctor to smear a quality product such as music written and sung by retarded children by comparing it to any element of "Violent Shit2". I must apologize to the Kids of Widney High, I know that you nicely asked the Doctor not to hurt you and I promise to buy you all new cars if the insects don't get me.

Hell the Doctor loves a good sleazefest more than anything, but this is such a half assed product of total idiots that I must give it 0 Doctor Muertes out of 4 on the Muertemeter.

Doctor Muerte prescribes the following for viewers of Violent Shit 2:

*If you are having trouble breaking up with someone rent all three Violent Shit movies, (yes Virginia there is a "Violent Shit 3") pretend they are your favorite movies and you should have an ex before the end of the first movie. Now the Doc has only seen pieces of the first movie but it looks like it is even worse than the second one. An impossible feat made possible by German brain surgeon Andreas Schnaas.

VOYAGE OF THE ROCK ALIENS

1984

Directed by James Fargo
Starring Pia Zadora, Tom Nolan, Craig Sheffer, Michael Berryman, Ruth Gordon and Rhema

Welcome to the town of Speelburgh, a town that is ruled by the oh-so-dangerous Frankie (Craig Sheffer) and his band The Pack (Jimmy and the Mustangs). Frankie's girlfriend DeeDee (Pia Zadora) wants desperately to sing with Frankie's band, but Frankie will have none of that nonsense, for it is he who decides who sings with the band. Enter the rock aliens (Rhema) who have come to earth in search of rock and roll. It just so happens that they are a band, and since their leader ABCD (Tom Nolan) has fallen in love with DeeDee, they are more than happy to have DeeDee sing with them. This pisses off Frankie, but eventually he is forced to realize that maybe he should stop beating people up all the time and he should let DeeDee sing with him. He is able to win DeeDee back and the rock aliens go back into outer space. During the course of this story we also have a subplot involving the sheriff (Ruth Gordon) trying to track down the aliens. There are also some killers who have escaped from the local mental hospital. One of them carries a large chainsaw, is named Chainsaw and is played by B-movie legend Michael Berryman.

This movie is worth trying to find, as it is intentionally stupid and pretty damn funny. It has a few too many music numbers that slow it down at spots, but if you make to the end you won't be disappointed. I give VOYAGE OF THE ROCK ALIENS 3.5 Doctor Muertes out of 4 on the Muertemeter.

Things to watch for:

*The strange opening scene in which the rock aliens' robot is scanning the universe for rock and roll and finds a planet where Pia Zadora and Jermaine Jackson are members of rival biker gangs that fall in love. Wait a minute, this is just the video for their song "When the Rain Begins to Fall." What the hell is it doing in this movie? Who cares, for this and SANTA CLAUS CONQUERS THE MARTIANS prove that there is Pia on other planets.

*The rock alien band Rhema is a good Devo knockoff and all of their songs are good. The best one is their first song in the movie called "The 21st Century."

*Michael Berryman is one of the funniest things about this movie. We need more movies with Michael Berryman comic relief serial killers characters.

ZABAGABEE: THE BEST OF BARNES AND BARNES

1989

Directed by Barnes, Barnes, Bill Paxton and others.

Starring Art & Artie Barnes, Bill Paxton, Booji Boy, Mark Hamill, Weird Al Yankovic, Rae Dawn Chong, Dr. Demento, Shirley Jones, Shaun Cassidy, America, Stephen Stills, Jose Ferrer, Wild Man Fischer, Woody Herman, Rosemary Clooney, Jerry Siegel and many more.

Barnes and Barnes, have they always been with us? Have they never been with us? If these are questions that keep you up at night, then you must see ZABAGABEE.

Barnes and Barnes struck gold with the epic ballad "Fish Heads," and after that continued to release albums whether the public was paying attention or not. The public, by and large, was not paying attention; this is due to Americans' disposable attitude towards what they consider novelty acts. Fortunately for Art and Artie Barnes, they are immortal beings from Lumania who have shaped the course of history and they could care less about who listens to their albums. And it is also fortunate for those of us who tap into the messages sent to us by these supernatural beings.

This tape is a good start for the uninitiated, containing seven music videos as well as celebrity interviews. These two elements come together to give you pieces to the great cosmic puzzle. For instance, Barnes and Barnes flew bombing missions during WW2 with Weird Al Yankovic's father, thus influencing Weird Al through his father's tales of Barnes and Barnes. Then there is the case of a young man working at DC Comics who had just created a character named The Schmuck. The public has never seen this character because Barnes and Barnes held a gun to this man's head and made him change the character. The young man's name was Jerry Siegel and the character was Superman. And what about the rare live appearance that took place during some concert called Woodstock? This performance was so out of the scope of human understanding that it has been buried deep into the psyche of anyone who witnessed it. It is buried so deeply that they will tell you that Barnes and Barnes were not at Woodstock -- and they are telling the truth, for their brains will not allow them to remember seeing Barnes and Barnes. This must be why live performances by Barnes and Barnes are rare occurrences. Or maybe they play all the time and none of us are able to process the fact that we have seen them. Who can say? As I previously stated, this tape only gives you pieces of the cosmic puzzle; it doesn't solve it for you.

Several of the videos on this tape contain performances by a young Bill Paxton. He was even granted permission to direct the Fish Heads video. What does this mean in the grand scheme of things? And how did Barnes and Barnes end up in Shaun Cassidy's closet for 11 years? Seeing this tape certainly raises more questions than it answers, but the most important question to ask is, what do Barnes and Barnes have planned for us now? ZABAGABEE gets 4 Doctor Muertes out of 4 on the Muertemeter. Yeah.

Doctor Muerte prescribes the following for viewers of ZABAGABEE: THE BEST OF BARNES AND BARNES:

*Sell all your possessions and send the money to Barnes and Barnes. OK, I've said it guys, now can I have my thumbs back?