DR. MUERTE'S
REVIEW
ARCHIVE
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Directed by Leslie Martinson Meet Nick Newell (Gary Coleman): he's the 13 year-old kid with the 200 I.Q. and he's just starting his freshman year in college. Nick has a hard time adjusting to the life of a college student, and to make matters worse, his idol Professor Mills (Robert Guillame) doesn't seem to like him. Of course by the end everything works out for Nick and everybody is happy. This is a thoroughly predictable TV movie but it is somehow more enjoyable than the thoroughly predictable TV crap that exists today. Maybe it's the fact that it isn't self-referential and sarcastic that makes it watchable. Maybe it has to do with the fact that there are very few even marginally talented writers and actors working today. Whatever the case may be, THE KID WITH THE 200 I.Q. is the kind of thing to watch during a period of self loathing when you need to be reminded of a time when you didn't spend your days in your laboratory plotting the end of the human race. I give THE KID WITH THE 200 I.Q. 3 Doctor Muerte's out of 4 on the Muertemeter.
Doctor Muerte prescribes the following for viewers of THE KID WITH THE 200 I.Q.: *Induce vomiting in the event of THE KID WITH THE 200 I.Q. 2: THE REVENGE OF NICK NEWELL. This will be written and directed by Kevin Smith and will be a mess of pop culture references but in the end will be about absolutely nothing. I won't have time to see it though, because I will be in my laboratory plotting the end of the human race.
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Directed
by Joseph McGrath Based on one of Doctor Muerte's favorite books, THE MAGIC CHRISTIAN is the story of the richest man in the world, Guy Grand (Peter Sellers). Guy Grand uses his considerable wealth to "make it hot for people." This means paying cops to eat parking tickets, making boxers act like homosexuals during championship bouts, filling a heated vat full of animal blood, excrement and urine then putting money in the vat and watching people wade through it to get the money. The movie also has Guy Grand adopting a vagrant whom he names Yongman Grand (Ringo Starr). Youngman is to be heir of the Grand empire and continue the legacy of making it hot for people. This movie is funny ,but nowhere near as funny as the book. And why is it that whenever they made a Terry Southern book into a movie, Ringo Starr had to be in it? Granted, there have only been two Terry Southern books made into movies (the other being CANDY), but that still means that Ringo Starr was in every Terry Southern book that was made into a movie. I don't know why I'm picking on Mr. Starr, as he is surprisingly not bad in THE MAGIC CHRISTIAN. This movie also has several psychedelic trippy sequences that work both for and against it. It is a funny relic from the past to see scenes like that, but it really doesn't do anything for the movie. I give THE MAGIC CHRISTIAN 3 Doctor Muertes out of 4 on the Muertemeter.
Doctor Muerte prescribes the following for viewers of THE MAGIC CHRISTIAN: *A
nice relaxing cruise.
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| MAD
MAGAZINE PRESENTS UP THE ACADEMY
1980 Directed
by Robert Downey Here is a movie that was so bad that Mad Magazine paid Warner Brothers to remove all the Mad Magazine elements from its own movie before the video release. The video cut did not remove all the elements and Warner Brothers had to pay them back the money. Years later, Warner Brothers would come to own Mad. Even though the staff of Mad Magazine is no longer in a position to demand anything from Warner Brothers, as of this review I don't think that any attempt to restore this movie has been made. Fortunately, in the cut that exists, there are a few glimpses of the horrifying Alfred E. Neuman makeup. This makeup is genuinely scary; I've never seen anything quite like it. In UP THE ACADEMY, Alfred E. Neuman looks like a large living ventriloquist dummy from the bowels of your worst childhood nightmare. Too make matters worse, he is mute, so he seems like a hallucination that has taken up residence in your TV, as he sure as hell doesn't fit anywhere in this movie. I have seen stills that show an Alfred E. Neuman statue with a plaque that reads "Our Founder" and a scene where Barbara Bach is getting randy with Mr. Neuman. I can only assume that this movie was lousy with all sorts of appearances of the nightmarish little Mad mascot, as well as other Mad wackiness such as Arthur the Plant. So what, besides a creepy looking Alfred E. Neuman, does UP THE ACADEMY contain? Nothing that you would really want to see, for unfortunately it is a pretty standard dumb comedy about a bunch of misfits at military school. Unfortunate, because you would expect something better from the combined forces of Robert Downey and Mad Magazine. It is tasteless at times, but never tasteless enough to be memorable and it stinks of every other movie about fuck-ups banding together to stick it to the system that is trying to make them change their wicked ways. Let's see: there's the tough kid, the black kid, the foreign kid, the fat kid and the good guy kid. And stop me if you've heard this one -- they are stuck with a psychotic Major that rides their asses and makes them miserable. Oh, you've heard this one before, huh? So then there's no need to tell you that the kids end up blowing up the school and ruining that bastard Major's life. Then there are the oh-so-funny gags like the female military academy being called Butch Academy. Yes, it's stupid but it isn't awful; it's simply standard run-of-the-mill crap. UP THE ACADEMY gets 2 Doctor Muerte's out of 4 on the Muertemeter.
Doctor Muerte prescribes the following for viewers of UP THE ACADEMY: *Watch Alfred E. Neuman during the opening credits sequence, then fast forward to the end of the movie when he appears again. *If you are going to watch this from start to finish then take with alcohol, lots of alcohol.
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| MEET THE FEEBLES (shot under the fake title of FROGS OF WAR)
1989 Directed by Peter Jackson Starring The Feebles Meet the Feebles is a deranged parody of "The Muppet Show." Like "The Muppet Show," you have a world populated by puppets, a variety show featuring the puppets, and a backstage peek at what goes on behind the scenes of the show. That is where the similarities end; these puppets act like real-world entertainment industry scum. They do drugs, make porno movies, get STD's, father illegitimate children and massacre each other with machine guns. But they aren't all screwed up; there are two new cast members that are innocent and pure of heart. No matter how much abuse they suffer and what they are exposed to by the sleazy Feebles, they somehow come out of the whole ordeal smelling like roses. This provides an unnecessary moral center to an otherwise pitiless film. I say they are unnecessary because whenever they appear, the film stops being a satire of show business. Instead of satire, their presence makes the movie feel like two characters from "Sesamie Street" got sucked into a puppet snuff film. For cryin' in the rain, the hero even has a cutesy speech impediment. His name is Robert, but he can't say Robert, instead he says Wobert. There should be star-struck innocents thrown into the mix of this movie, but they could have been handled better. There are plenty of funny scenes in this movie, especially the infamous parody of the Russian Roulette scene from THE DEER HUNTER. Despite ample comic moments, this movie drags at certain points and is one that feels like it's much longer than it actually is. I remember reading somewhere that this movie was Peter Jackson's big "fuck you" to the entertainment industry because he couldn't get the money to do BRAINDEAD. On second thought, maybe the good characters do work, because the only good puppets in this movie are total idiots. So MEET THE FEEBLES delivers the message that show business is made up of idiots, assholes and junkies. The Doctor can agree with that. This is a truly bitter movie and is generally popular because of its shock value. Meet the Feebles doesn't really support multiple screenings like Jackson's other work, but it is worth seeing at least once. It gets 2.5 Doctor Muertes out of 4 on the Muertmeter.
Doctor Muerte prescribes the following for viewers of MEET THE FEEBLES: *This one is best seen alone. The more people you watch this with, the more complaints you will hear. ("That's disgusting." "This is boring." "You lied, this is nothing like DEAD ALIVE." etc.)
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2001 Directed
by: Henry Selick Summary in an easy to swallow pill: Stu Miley is a cartoonist that is about to hit the big time with the animated version of his Monkeybone comic. Not wanting anything to do with the merchandising and ass kissing that goes into developing a property for the masses, Stu is imply interested in proposing to his girlfriend. Before he can do this he gets into an accident and goes into a coma. While in the coma Stu ends up in a place called Down Town a place where nightmares are made and his creation/id Monkeybone lives. Monkeybone hijacks Stu's body and Stu must find a way to get his body back or spend the rest of eternity in Down Town. This
movie seems to suffer from the same problems that Stu had before going into a
coma. That problem being that it was attacked by Hollywood parasites. Now many of you have seen this movie and may be saying "Where is this movie that you speak of Doc, it sure isn't in the version I saw?" Well it seems that the studio and Chris Columbus had problems with many facets of the movie, from the look of the residents of Down Town, to asinine things like a character mentioning that he has hemorrhoids. Not to mention that somewhere the studio must have gotten in into their heads that a movie about a man's penis that appears in the form of a monkey could be cut into a kids movie, or if not a kids movie then some sort of crowd pleasing dreck that would make a lot of money but not register in an anyone's memory after they had seen it. It seemed to come as a shock to the studio that this movie, that was cut to hell before it premiered didn't make a lot of money. There is a lesson to be learned here, but I guarantee that no one involved in the butchering of "Monkeybone" believe they are to blame for its failure. The first time the Doctor saw this movie it was in the form that it was released in the theaters and is available on video and I must admit that the Doctor was amused. Despite it's rape by the studio and some bad casting choices (why would anyone ever cast Chris Kattan in anything?), there was enough of this movie left that I had to see more. Then in an uncharacteristically intelligent move, the same studio that tried to destroy the movie, put out the "Monkeybone" special edition DVD. It is on this DVD that you can piece this movie back together using the cut scenes and animation tests. It also gives insights into the story that were removed before they even had the chance to be shot. For instance in Down Town Stu passes the Morpheum theater, a movie theater that shows nightmares for the denizens of Down Town. It is seen briefly and then never mentioned again. But if the movie was allowed to be what it was supposed to be, then we would have seen that the purposely fake looking creatures of Down Town were once evil gods and powerful monsters in the real world (Joe Camel is an example of the poor discarded menaces that have been banished to Down Town), while watching the nightmares in the Morpheum they would transform back into their once menacing forms, only to return to hokey looking shells when the nightmares ended. This provides a major plot point for the movie that is only partially addressed in the movie as one of Monkeybone's main purposes for taking Stu's body is that he was sent by the god of nightmares to create more nightmares for Down Town. If only this movie wasn't tampered with it might have come out and performed just as poorly, but then it could have slowly found its audience and gone on to become a very successful cult movie. It still may and as I have said before this movie bears the Doctor Muerte seal of approval. If there is ever a director's cut put out it may finally get the respect it deserves. Until that day, you will just have to take a trip to the Morpheum and see the movie as it plays in the Doctor's head. The Doctor gives "Monkeybone" 3.5 Doctor Muertes out of 4 on the Muertemeter. Doctor Muerte prescribes the following for viewers of "Monkeybone": *All aboard the lady's got a loose caboose.
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1984 Directed by Alice Raley Starring Mary Woronov, Jonathan Blakely and Lynne Darcy This is a weird little horror parody. It seems to hate horror movies and the megaplexes that were being born around the time this movie was made. It is the story of a theater which is not making any money with plays, and is going to be converted into a cinema in an attempt to remedy this. During the final performance of a play at this theater, the owner finds out that his girlfriend is cheating on him. He kills everyone in the theater and then we are sent a couple of decades into the future. The theater has never been able to reopen without some sort disaster since that fateful night so many years ago. Someone is even offering a $25,000 reward to anyone who is willing to reopen the theater. Who? Who knows? Enter the owner of the Spotlight Theater chain, a greedy unscrupulous bastard. Just to get an idea of how naughty this monkey is, he once put a screen on the balcony of a movie theater. It worked out until is fell on the people below. Ooh, that's just rotten. Spotlight Theaters shows movies like "Chainsaw Chicks," "Amputee Hookers" and "Clown Whores of Hollywood." The movies have dialogue such as "Oh, my God! Who brought a chainsaw to the Prom?" Oh, that's funny, no? Maybe, maybe not. If you haven't guessed where this movie is going by now, then you are a truly stupid bastard. The bad guy owner of Spotlight Theaters has purchased the cursed theater and sends his best employees to set it up for a big opening night. What happens next? Well, people die, one girl gets killed in a popcorn machine. The killer is the old owner who killed everyone on that fateful night so many years ago. Surprised? Of course you aren't. But here's something truly original: the heroine looks just like the girl who cheated on the killer on that fateful night so many years ago. Where could this possibly go from here? Let's see...the killer could fall in love with his unfaithful ex's doppelganger. The girl might then kill the killer in a moment of false compassion for the murderous beast. No, that would be silly and cliche. It would -- and it is -- but as I said at the beginning, it is a parody of horror movies. So by using rotten cliches, it is attempting to make a statement about low budget schlock. Is it successful? Sort of. The movie comes out feeling like the missing link between movies like STUDENT BODIES and SCREAM, although it never successfully balances the absurd comedy with horror sequences that are played straight. It has a decent score that emulates the music by John Carpenter and Goblin. I'm guessing that this is part of the parody, as many B-movies were attempting to have scores that sounded like that at the time. Few were really successful, but MOVIE HOUSE MASSACRE does a good job of emulating them as well as giving the music a slightly wacky tone. Not without its moments, Movie House Massacre gets 2.5 Doctor Muertes out of 4 on the Muertemeter.
Doctor Muerte prescribes the following for viewers of MOVIE HOUSE MASSACRE: *300mg of the scene where the bad girl employee takes her top off in a packed theater in an attempt to disrupt a date between two of the good employees. She gets the idea to do this from herself as a devil appearing over her shoulder. *A tube of the fact that the Spotlight Theaters are equipped with a speaker system that says things like "No matter how good the movie in the other theater sounds, you must see the movie you paid for." *Weekly group therapy sessions with the coming attractions sequence. The coming attractions sequence is the most successful joke in the whole movie. If only the whole movie were that good.
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1979 Directed by Michael O'Donoghue Starring Michael O'Donoghue, Bill Murray, Dan Aykroyd, Jane Curtain, Carrie Fisher, Klaus Nomi, Jane Curtin, Margot Kidder, Judy Jacklin, Gilda Radner and Root Boy Slim ant the Sex Change Band. The late great Michael O'Donoghue was a major comic force in the 70's. From "National Lampoon," the magazine and the radio show, to "Saturday Night Live," Michael O'Donoghue spread his brand of black comedy all over the face of American entertainment. Lately there has been an attempt to erase him from the histories of the things he helped define. Especially where "Saturday Night Live" is concerned. For instance, he and John Belushi were the people in the first skit of the first episode of "Saturday Night Live." O'Donoghue and Belushi were good friends and he was one of the last people to see Belushi alive. Why then, on retrospectives on Belushi (such as the "E! True Hollywood Story") do they make no mention of O'Donoghue? And forget about seeing the episodes of "Saturday Night Live" that contain O'Donoghue in reruns on Comedy Central. The last time the Doctor saw those episodes was when Nick at Nite was showing SNL and that was probably ten years ago. When SNL was nearly cancelled in the early 80's, it was O'Donoghue who returned and pulled its ass out of the sling. He was so valuable at one time that Paul Klein (NBC's head of production for the East Coast) and Lorne Michaels came up with the idea to let O'Donoghue develop his own projects to be aired in the SNL timeslot while the show was on hiatus. The first idea he came up with was a project called "Eyes." "Eyes" would have been O'Donoghue reading from the works of Aleister Crowley and Octave Mibeau's "The Torture Garden." The title "Eyes" comes from the idea that the camera would remain in close-up on O'Donoghue's eyes. For some reason, NBC didn't bite on that one. So then he decided to write a TV movie called "War of the Insect Gods" about giant roaches taking over NYC. NBC also turned this idea down. Paul Klein then suggested doing a parody of "Mondo Cane" O'Donoghue agreed it was a good idea, and MR. MIKE'S MONDO VIDEO was born. Upon completion ,there was some debate between the editor and O'Donoghue as to whether the show was poorly done out of directorial incompetence or if it was supposed to look crappy. O'Donoghue, of course, maintained that Mondo movies look crappy and that was why MR. MIKE'S MONDO VIDEO looked so rough. NBC's head of Standards and Practices made sure that the finished product was never shown on TV by making O'Donoghue cut large sections of the show out, until he gave up and stopped submitting it to the network. The show was then sold to New Line Cinema for a theatrical release as "The TV show that can't be shown on TV!" Since most of the show was shot on video, it produced film prints that made it look even scummier. Not only was the movie not a hit, it also seemed to inspire violence amongst the viewers. Seats were ripped up, screens were slashed and ushers were beaten up. This brightened O'Donoghue's spirits slightly about his bomb. In a magazine interview at the time of the release, he said, "People just don't dislike this movie, they REALLY DISLIKE this movie. There was a report in Toronto that a third of the audience tried to get their money back. We've had a guy beaten up, a screen slashed. I mean, there's a difference between disliking a movie and this. I'm touched that some primal chord is being struck there." (Despite the film's failure, he was being called the next Woody Allen or Mel Brooks, and was offered a million dollar deal to write, direct and star in three films for Paramount.) So just what is in MONDO VIDEO, you ask? Well let's see: you have the church where Jack Lord is worshipped. Girls talking about how they love to date creeps ("When my date blows his nose in his handkerchief and then looks at it, I can't say no." -Jane Curtin). Cats learn how to swim by being thrown into a pool. A dream sequence where people wearing Chaiman Mao masks invade a home and take their appliances out back and shoot them. Dan Aykroyd shows off his webbed toes. There are live performances by Klaus Nomi and Root Boy Slim and The Sex Change Band. A clever short by Ernie Fosselius of Hardware Wars fame, it is a shot of a busy street with a voiceover directing the action of the shot ("Cue the birds, and now let's have the green car drive by," etc.). Another dream sequence where a family is eating dinner and some people come in and dump trash on the dinner table. MONDO VIDEO has so many bits that the Doctor can't imagine anyone watching it and not finding any of it funny. It certainly happened, but I still have a hard a time believing it. MR. MIKE'S MONDO VIDEO has made me laugh every time I've seen it and gets 4 Doctor Muertes out of 4 on the Muertemeter.
Doctor Muerte prescribes the following for viewers of MR. MIKE'S MONDO VIDEO: *I suggest that you be on the lookout for the LaserBra 2000. Jack Lord help us if it falls into the wrong hands. *A copy of Dennis Perrin's book "Mr. Mike: The Life and Work of Michael O'Donoghue." This will answer any questions you may have concerning Michael O'Donoghue.
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| 1970 Directed
by John Waters See the PUKE EATER! See DIVINE RAPED BY A GIANT LOBSTER! Wait on second thought don't see any of this, stay as far away as you can from Multiple Maniacs. It is one of the most unbearable ways to spend 83 minutes that the Doctor can think of and I am not alone. Years ago I screened this at a mad scientist conference and was beaten severely by various robots and mutant creatures because of it. These fellow mad scientists spend hours studying mutating DNA through high powered microscopes and they couldn't stand to look at Multiple Maniacs for a mere 83 minutes. Not only was I beaten for showing this movie, but I was also given a lifetime ban from all mad scientist gatherings. The fools I'll destroy them all! Then I'll destroy John Waters for making this terrible movie. This movie is like a lot of the other movies that launched John Waters career in that it is about nothing, boring as hell and has a few disgusting scenes that make you remember it despite the fact that you would be better off if you didn't. The more time you spend away from one of these cinematic crapfests the more you forget just how awful they really are. This is how I came to screen this particular crapfest on that fateful night so long ago. Never again my dear patients, never again. If the Muertemeter went lower than zero than Multiple Maniacs would certainly plumb the depths of negative Muertes, but since it doesn't it gets 0 Doctor Muertes out of 4 on the Muertemeter. Doctor Muerte prescribes the following for viewers of Multiple Maniacs: *Nothing, not even a full frontal lobotomy could aid in your enjoyment of this movie.
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1984 Directed by Jackie Kong Starring Murray Langston/The Unknown Comic, Jaye P. Morgan, Billy Barty, Pat Paulsen, Linda Blair and Jack Riley It is well known around Castle Muerte that the Doctor enjoys "The Gong Show" more than any other TV show ever, and much to my chagrin, I have been unable to see THE GONG SHOW MOVIE. What does any of this have to do with NIGHT PATROL? Well, NIGHT PATROL might as well be called "The Gong Show Movie 2: Night Patrol." I say this because it is a vehicle for Murray Langston a.k.a. The Unknown Comic. The Unknown Comic appeared regularly on "The Gong Show," and for his first feature he brought several of "The Gong Show" along with him. NIGHT PATROL is the story of a cop named Melvin who moonlights as The Unknown Comic. Things become difficult when he is "promoted" to night patrol, and to make matters worse, there is an imposter Unknown Comic robbing bars on Melvin's beat. Despite the robberies by his imposter, the real Unknown Comic's star is on the rise due to the efforts of his agent ("Gong Show" exile Jaye P. Morgan). To deal the with pressures of his increasingly volatile double life, The Unknown Comic regularly visits a shrink, who offers very little in the way of help. There is also a love triangle between the gold digging Edith Hutton, Melvin/The Unknown Comic and fellow officer Sue Perman (Linda Blair). Sue loves Melvin for Melvin and he is oblivious to this fact, while Edith Hutton is after The Unknown Comic for the money he will make when he becomes famous. When the police chief (Billy Barty) names Melvin as a prime suspect for the bagman robberies, his partner (Pat Paulsen) begins to watch him with a suspicious eye. This all boils up a nail-biting climax involving not two but three Unknown Comics. This is a truly moving and affecting portrait of show business and law enforcement. Gritty, dark and seductive, NIGHT PATROL will leave you gasping for air. "And if you believe that, then you'll love our next act. An act that at first will astonish you and then he will harvest your body for his experiments. Give a big Gong Show welcome to Doctor Muerte." "Thanks, Chuckie Baby. Say, did you ever hear the one about The Unknown Comic's movie? Well it was so tasteless that it is now considered a delicacy in England. Whoa! That's pretty tasteless. But seriously folks ,I love NIGHT PATROL. Hell, it even helps me get laid: I just bring a girl back to my castle, hit her on the head with the cassette, and she's out cold for a couple of hours. No, really, NIGHT PATROL is--" GONG! "Oh that's too bad, Dr. Muerte, I really liked your act. Then again, I like rashes too. Rip Taylor, why did you gong Doctor Muerte?" "I think this guy once turned my parents into lizard people." "Did you do that, Doc?" "Yes, Chuckie Baby, I did -- and I would have gotten you too, Rip, if the Interplanetary Spies hadn't intervened on your behalf." "Okay, there you have it. Now get off the stage, Doc, and don't call me Chukie Baby. We have to go to a commercial now, but stay tuned for more stuff on the highest quality show on TeeWee, The Gong Show." Gonged -- I can't believe it. I guess I'll get back to the review now. Let's see, where was I? Oh yes, tasteless -- this is one of the most tasteless movies I have ever seen. It is also one of the funniest because of that. There is no joke too low for this movie; pregnant hookers offer two-for-one sales, the police chief is constantly farting, a cock fight in an alley turns out to be two naked men fighting each other with their penises (I bet you didn't see that one coming, no pun intended) and the last twenty minutes of the movie have Melvin and his partner in blackface. This is a funny movie from start to finish. The gags come at such a fast pace that you don't have time to groan at the truly stupid jokes (besides, most of the time those are set-ups for funnier jokes). This is a great movie to watch when you invite friends to your lair and consume alcoholic beverages. So what do I give NIGHT PATROL? I give it negative 6 for not having Chuck Barris in it, and a 10 for being so damn funny. That brings it up to a total of 4 Doctor Muertes out of 4 on the Muertemeter.
Doctor Muertes prescribes the following for viewers of NIGHT PATROL: *A writing utensil and a notebook, because you'll need to take lots of notes. There is a multiple-choice exam at the end of the film. You'll look like quite the ass if you aren't prepared for it. *10000mg of The Gong Show taken daily. Nothing beats this cure-all Tee Wee show.
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| THE
OCCULTIST
Directed by Tim Kincaid From Urban Classics, the company that brought us such fine fare as SORORITY BABES IN THE SLIMEBALL BOWL-A-RAMA, CREEPOZOIDS, GALATIC GIGOLO, and many other fine films comes the THE OCCULTIST. THE OCCULTIST stars Rick (Sgt. Kabukiman N.Y.P.D.) Gianisi as the cyborg body guard Waldo Warren. Waldo works for a protection agency that is in charge of protecting the President of San Caribe. San Caribe is in danger of some sort of Voodoun uprising and a takeover by a rival corrupt protection agency. In comes Waldo Warren to save the day. Waldo is a living weapon capable of shooting knives and bullets from his fingers and he even has a machine gun penis which he uses to dispose of some bad guys hiding in bathroom stalls. Gianisi's attempt at robotic acting is to act as if he is under heavy sedation, and this provides a nice balance to the crapfest which is the acting of the wife and daughter of the president of San Caribe. This movie has a lot of different subplots going on in it and yet nothing ever seems to happen. This one gets 1 and half Doctor Muertes on the Muerte meter.
Doctor Muerte prescribes the following for viewers of THE OCCULTIST: *The machine gun penis and that about it. But now that I have given that joke away I advise that you watch another movie.
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Directed
by: Bobby Suarez When Interpol agent Ramon Ortega runs afoul of an international drug ring, he is forced to watch the murder of his new wife and then has his left arm cut off by a Samurai sword. This causes Ramon to slide into a deep booze-filled depression. It isn't until he is taken in by some sort of Kung Fu training camp/rehab that Ramon finally gets the courage to kill the criminals that ruined his life. The fact that the actor that plays Ramon has both arms makes for some good laughs as you can see his arm bulging beneath his clothes in many scenes. The leader of the drug ring is a cowboy-hat-wearing redneck who is surrounded by a diverse assortment of goons. There is the doctor that takes the time to tie off agent Ortega's veins after severing his arm. We also have a nearly indestructible Samurai sword-wielding fat man and a wacky P.R. man rounding out the goons. The bad guys are also apparently Nazis, due to the final chase between our hero flying a helicopter and the bad guy driving a Swastika-emblazoned ski boat. Overall, this movie is slightly better than I had expected, but I wasn't expecting much, so I give it 1 and a half Doctor Muertes out of 4 on the Muerte Meter.
Doctor Muerte prescribes the following for viewers of ONE ARMED EXECUTIONER: *In the event of itching cool off with the shower scene that takes place in a room with a shower curtain on the wall. Notice how the actor and actress are perfectly dry despite the shower sound effects and the presence of suds. *Participate
in the entertaining rehabilitation of the One Armed Executioner featuring a huge
spinning umbrella-like rig that exists for the sole purpose of hanging bottles
for our hero to shoot at.
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| PERDITA
DURANGO
1999 Directed by Alex de la Iglesia Starring Javier Bardem, Rosie Perez, Screamin' Jay Hawkins, James Gandolfini and Aimee Graham Previously I saluted A-Pix entertainment for the superbly stupid JACK FROST 2, but now I have a bit of a bone to pick with them. Why in the name of Pia Zadora did they change the name of this movie to DANCE WITH THE DEVIL? The only effect this has on the product is a crappy looking title sequence. Why? Why? WHY?! OK, I can move on now and get to the rest of the movie. PERDITA DURANGO is a dangerous woman that meets up with the man of her dreams. This man is a Santaria practicing criminal named Romeo Dolorosa. One day Romeo and Perdita decide it would be fun to kidnap someone for a sacrifice. They end up kidnapping a young teenage couple and end up dragging them around while they take care of their criminal business. They subject the two youths to all sorts of sexual games and mental torture. This makes them all bond in a strange way, so much so that Perdita chokes back the tears when she releases them. While Perdita and Romeo are having fun they are also being hunted by an indestructible FBI agent, some men that Romeo had crossed in the past as well as men that Romeo is currently working for. Not to mention the score of other strange backup characters that want to find Romeo, such as the female hostage's father and a couple of backwoods Texas cops. This leads to multiple climaxes and it becomes one of those movies where you think it is just about to end but it keeps on going. This isn't a bad thing; in fact the movie is better for it. I have never been a fan of Rosie Perez, but she does a good job as the title character. The real standouts, though, are Javier Bardem as Romeo, James Gandolfini as the indestructible FBI agent Woody Dumas, and of course Screamin' Jay Hawkins is excellent as always in the role of Adolfo, Romeo's partner in the Santaria rituals. This is not my favorite Alex de la Iglesia movie, but it is still better than your average Hollywood product. Whatever you do, do not watch the R rated cut. The unrated cut has a different ending than the Spanish version, but other than that it is the movie the way it was meant to be seen. The more I think about this movie, the more I like it. It would be hard to give an Alex de la Iglesia movie less than a 4 out of 4 on the Muertemeter so that is what PERDITA DURANGO gets.
Doctor Muerte prescribes the following for viewers of PERDITA DURANGO: *Take a fistful of Director Alex Cox of REPO MAN and SID AND NANCY fame's great scene at the site of the first big shoot-out. It involves a bunch of human fetuses lying in the road. Need I say more? *Guzzle a jug of Alligator Wine. What can I say about Screamin' Jay? That man is pure entertainment. *Teach the Doctor how to be nicer to his victims. The way the relationship unfolds between the kidnappers and the kidnapped is so touching. I wish that my victims would bond with me like that. I guess I'm just not as nice as Perdita and Romeo.
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"AAAAAAAAAAAGH! Action! Action! I have made over 200 movies and every time the director yells Action!" -Klaus Kinski.
This short, which is found on the Best of Tromadance DVD, is an all too brief tale of director David Schmoeller's quest to handle Klaus Kinski during the filming of Crawlspace.
Here at the lab we understand the difficulties involved in working with Mr. Kinski. For years I have worked on creating a Klaus Kinski robot to unleash upon the world, but every prototype has exploded while ranting at me. I know it is foolish to attempt to build another Kinski, but I can't help but think that such a device could force today's crop of awful directors into retirement.
But you didn't come here to read about failed experiments. No, you want to read a review of a complete yet flawed product. The problem with this short is simple, not enough Kinski. Hearing the director tell stories of working with Kinski is certainly amusing, but the footage of Kinski on set is minimal. The other footage of Kinski is clips of other Kinski movies and Kinski giving an interview about how much he hates directors. Now it is always entertaining to see Kinski in action, but again we see far too little of this in the documentary.
Perhaps I am being picky and expecting too much from a nine minute documentary. That is entirely possible, as it is thoroughly entertaining, but too damn brief. In fact this movie would be best seen directly before a screening of Herzog's "My Best Fiend". That way when "Please Kill Mr. Kinski" is finished and leaves you wanting more, you can be sated by the feature length documentary by the man who knew him best.
Alas even the two combined is not enough Kinski. But we will have to make do with what we have, since it seems even the Doctor can not build another Kinski.
The Doctor gives "Please Kill Mr. Kinski" 3 Doctor Muertes out of 4 on the Muertemeter.
The Doctor prescribes the following for viewers of "Please Kill Mr. Kinski":
As I have previously stated, it would be in your best interest to view this with "My Best Fiend".
A healthy dose of "Red's Breakfast 2: Dawn of the Red" and then a trip to www.dieyouzombiebastards.com to see what Red is up to these days.
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1969 Directed by
Robert Downey Sr. When the head of a large ad agency dies, the board of directors elects its only black member to take over. That man's name is Putney Swope, and he decides that with his new position, his job is not to rock the boat but to sink it. Putney restaffs the agency with a bunch of black radicals and begins to make commercials that are offensive and therefore wildly successful. The attracts the attention of Mimeo, the midget president of the United States. Mimeo is controlled by a Nazi car company CEO that makes deadly cars with Star of David hood ornaments. Putney is a man that doesn't take shit from anyone and he is constantly turning down offers from companies he doesn't like and firing anyone who does or says anything stupid. He has no allegiance to anyone but himself; this pisses off everyone, including members of his staff that don't believe he is acting black enough. There is even a point when he tells a man to put soy in an awful smelling floor cleaner and market it as a health drink in the ghetto. He is somewhat of a nastier version of THE MAGIC CHRISTIAN's Guy Grand. PUTNEY SWOPE definitely wants to make it hot for you. This movie takes shots at everything held sacred by America and blows them away. It is a shame to think that this movie was made in 1969 and we are worse off now than we were then. We are still whining about the same stupid issues but doing it in a far less intelligent manner. Here's to sinking the boat and the decline of Western civilization. I give Putney Swope 4 Doctor Muertes out of 4 on the Muertemeter. Once you've seen it, you will never forget PUTNEY SWOPE.
Doctor Muerte prescribes the following for viewers of PUTNEY SWOPE: *If PUTNEY SWOPE cures what ails you then I advise that you view other works by Robert Downey Sr. as well. Some of those works include:
POUND, GREASER'S PALACE, HUGO POOL and Mad Magazine's
UP THE ACADEMY. The last one should be seen simply for the horrific Alfred E.
Newman.
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| 1965 Directed
by Ray Dennis Steckler The story behind the making of this film is that low budget impresario Ray Dennis Steckler was shooting a movie called "The Depraved" about an actress who is kidnapped by violent thugs who pick her name at random from the phone book. One day during shooting Steckler decided to make the movie into a superhero comedy. Enter the Rat Pfink and Boo Boo, friends to those who have no friends, enemies to those who make them an enemy. Back the truck up Doc, did you just say Rat Pfink and Boo Boo? Yes I did now don't interrupt me when I'm doing a review, peon. But I thought you said the movie was called Rat Pfink A Boo Boo. Ah I'm glad to see you were paying attention. The movie is called Rat Pfink a Boo Boo because of a screw up when the titles were made and Steckler couldn't pay the thirty dollars to fix it. Now that you've been filled in on the strange circumstances surrounding the birth of this film, let me tell you of the strangeness that is the film itself. This movie is so damn weird it seems like it is from another planet. Like Al Adamson's "Horror of the Blood Monsters", this movie is in black and white but certain scenes have tints laid over the black and white. True, that is a quirky touch but not very strange. So, you want weird huh? Well here it comes. First since this was once a completely different movie, apart from an introductory scene you don't see Rat Pfink and Boo Boo for a good twenty minutes, Instead you get the gang beating up a woman and then hanging out waiting for the phone book to be delivered. Obviously, these scenes are devoid of the comic tone of the rest of the movie. While the gang is getting its kicks we meet rock singer Lonnie Lord. Lonnie likes to sing and sings several numbers that have nothing to do with the movie. These songs just spring up out of nowhere and then disappear without any mention of them ever happening. When the gang gets the phone book they pick CeeBee Beumont's name out of it and kidnap her. CeeBee is Lonnie's girlfriend and when he finds out she's been kidnapped he decides to sing another song. Then it is revealed that he and CeeBee's gardener Titus are in fact Rat Pfink and BooBoo. They get into their costumes then go out to give the punks CeeBee's ransom. But instead of giving the punks the ransom money they fill a briefcase with comic books and then follow the punk who picks up the briefcase from the drop off point, back to his hideout. This results in a couple of goofy fights between the heroes and the punks and a case scene that leads them all into the mountains where an ape named Kogar kidnaps CeeBee from the kidnappers. Kogar knocks out Rat Pfink and then Kogar's trainer arrives on the scene and reprimands the naughty gorilla. CeeBee finds out that Rat Pfink is Lonnie and then the town throws a parade in honor of Rat Pfink, Boo Boo and CeeBee. After the parade Lonnie and crew decide to have a big boss go-go party at the beach and to show there's no hard feelings they even invite Kogar. Did I mention there is no synched dialogue in this move? No? Well there isn't, not one microphone was part of the equipment used during the shooting of this masterpiece. Mere words can not do a film of this caliber justice. There is absolutely nothing like sitting through Rat Pfink a Boo Boo. Happiness is seeing shaky camera work shooting Boo Boo riding a motorcycle with Rat Pfink standing in the sidecar, while twangy surf guitar plays over the soundtrack. Rat Pfink a Boo Boo gets 4 Doctor Muertes out of 4 on the Muertemeter. Doctor Muerte prescribes the following for viewers of Rat Pfink a Boo Boo: * Fight crime, but remember you only have one weakness..bullets.
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1975 Directed by
Pier Paolo Pasolini Have you heard the one about the duke, the bishop, the magistrate and their friend Durcet? Well it seems that one day these four fascists gathered up a group of young men and women and decided to use them to satisfy every decadent whim they could think of. First they entered the circle of obsessions where the rule is that any man caught having sex with a woman is punished by loss of a limb. Then they went to the circle of shit where they all feasted on feces. Finally (and here's the punchline), they sentenced the youths to the circle of blood where they were all brutally murdered. Get it? I don't know how many times I've heard that joke but it makes me laugh every time. Seriously, this film is one of the most disgusting things I have ever seen. It is not easy to sicken Doctor Muerte, but the circle of shit nearly made me vomit. Pasolini wanted to make this film indigestible, and it is certainly that. Everything about this movie is so completely decadent that it is hard to believe that it even exists. Even scummy movies like MAKE THEM DIE SLOWLY (A.K.A. CANNIBAL FEROX) don't come anywhere near the depths to which this movie sinks. It may sink lower than the sleaziest grindhouse movie, but it is also a great movie. It will stick with you long after you see it. Loosely based on the Marquis De Sade's "The 120 days of Sodom," this was Pier Paolo Pasolini's final film, as he was murdered by a male prostitute shortly after the film was completed. I give SALO: THE 120 DAYS OF SODOM 4 Doctor Muertes out of 4 on the Muertemeter and guarantee that even the most desensitized person will be disturbed by this movie at one point or another.
Doctor Muerte prescribes the following for viewers of SALO: *Just see it, nothing I can tell you will prepare you for this movie.
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1994 Directed by Richard Elfman Starring Julius Harris, Meg Foster, Aeryk Egan, Becky Herbst, A.J. Damato, Bo Sharon, Darris Love, Leigh Allyn Baker, Bodhi Elfman and Troy Fromin From the writer Matthew Bright and director Richard Elfman (the team that brought you FORBIDDEN ZONE) comes SHRUNKEN HEADS. In SHRUNKEN HEADS, three teenage comic fans decide to take on the local bullies and their mob connections. This leads to the three boys getting gunned down in the street like dogs. Fortunately Mr. Sumatra (Julius Harris), the man who runs the newsstand where the boys got their comics from, is a voodoo priest. He makes the three boys into super-powered shrunken heads. This movie is a demented little masterpiece. Since the main characters are such big comic fans, the movie has the look and feel of comic books. It manages to mesh reality and comics more successfully than movies like DICK TRACY. It also plays on the cliches that exist in kid's movies. Themes such as "the nerdy kid likes the cute girl but she is dating the leader of the bullies who doesn't respect her" and "kids working together to save the day" are here, but they are stretched into incredibly bizarre situations. For instance, the nerdy kid and the cute girl get together but their relationship doesn't really get started until after he has been turned into a shrunken head. So you have a love scene where the shrunken head flies down the top of the girl he loves. And yeah, the kids save the day but they are undead flying heads. Throw in Meg Foster in drag as Big Mo (the head of the gangsters) and the excellent performance by Julius Harris as Mr. Sumatra, and you have the best movie in the entire Full Moon catalog. I know that isn't really saying much, but this is a really great movie. The Doctor would love to see a TV show or comic series based on this movie. In certain ways, this movie is even stranger than his avant-garde FORBIDDEN ZONE. This is because with FORBIDDEN ZONE you more or less know what you're getting from the start, but Shrunken Heads starts by luring you in with the familiar and then leaps out into the realm of the weird. SHRUNKEN HEADS gets 4 Doctors out of 4 on the Muertemeter.
Doctor Muerte prescribes the following for viewers of SHRUNKEN HEADS: *I suggest that you keep an eye out for director Richard Elfman in his cameo as a preacher on a school bus that is full of his congregation. *800mg of Ton Ton Macoute. Julius Harris is easily the most entertaining aspect of this movie. He turns in one of the greatest performances I have ever seen as Mr. Sumatra.
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