Dr. Meurte Review List 2

THE DARK BACKWARD

1991

Directed by Adam Rifikin a.k.a. Rif Coogin
Starring Judd Nelson, Bill Paxton, Lara Flynn Boyle and Wayne Newton

THE DARK BACKWARD is a film that delivers a beautifully bleak dystopia that you may find yourself wanting to return to again and again. The movie is about Marty Malt (Judd Nelson), a garbage man and part-time standup comic. Marty wants desperately to be a successful standup comic, but there is only one thing that stands in his way, and that is he's not funny. His act even brings a man to tears at one point.

Things begin to pick up for Marty when he grows a third arm out of his back. This gets Marty and his friend and musical accompaniment Gus (Bill Paxton) a deal with talent agent Jackie Chrome (Wayne Newton). Marty -- who is now known as Desi the Three Armed wonder comic -- and Gus take their show on the road and are met with the response that Marty got without the third arm. Finally the two get their shot at a big break...but can Marty and Gus wow them in Hollywood, or will they fail there just like everywhere else?

The answers to these and many other questions can be answered by viewing Adam Rifkin's masterpiece THE DARK BACKWARD. This has always been a favorite of mine and gets 4 Doctor Muertes out of Four on the Muerte meter.

Things to watch for:

*A shock therapy session with Bill Paxton giving the best performance of his career since appearing in old Barnes and Barnes videos. Not only is it his best but it is also one of the sleaziest performances I have ever seen.

*Judd Nelson also gives the best performance of his career, of course considering his body of work this is not a hard thing to do. It shows that maybe he could have been something greater than a brat pack novelty item. Oh well, life is cruel and show business is crueler. Don't mix with SUDDENLY SUSAN.

*May cause hallucinations of "Blump's" -- this fictitious brand appears in all of Rifkin's movies (most recently DETROIT ROCK CITY), but nowhere does it appear more than here. By having Blump's appear in all his movies, Rifkin has tied all his other films' environments into the same one that makes up THE DARK BACKWARD. So lurking behind every search for Kiss tickets or big budget car chase lurks Marty Malt and his wonderful dystopia.

DOC SAVAGE: THE MAN OF BRONZE

1975

Directed by: Michael Anderson
Starring: Ron Ely, Paul Gleason, William, Michael Miller, Eldon Quick, Darrell Zwerling, Paul Wexler and Michael Berryman

Summary in an easy to swallow pill: Inventor, surgeon and vigilante Doc Savage goes to South America to investigate the suspicious death of his father. Accompanied by the Fabulous Five, Doc and his team are thrown into many dangerous situations as they get closer to the truth behind the senior Savage's death. Based on the books by Kenneth Robeson.

30's pulp hero Doctor Clark Savage Jr. waited until 1975 to make his big screen debut. Unfortunately, the result of this long wait unfortunately produced some schizophrenic results. For the most part the movie does a fairly straightforward job of bringing Doc and the Fabulous Five to the screen. The cast is great (Ron Ely is perfect as Doc Savage) and the plot is straight out of a couple of Doc Savage books, which in theory should make this a perfect adaptation of Doc Savage's adventures.

It should, but the highly intelligent glob of incompetence known as Hollywood had to smear this movie with its audience friendly feces. I am sure that Doc Savage has some anti-Hollywood bullshit capsules in his arsenal of high tech gadgets which is why the movie comes across as schizophrenic. This movie has large chunks of straightforward Doc Savage action that is broken up by what seems to be Doc and the Fabulous Five making a guest appearance on the Adam West "Batman" show.

Now since I had no part in the making of this film I am going to take a guess as to what happened here. During shooting the studio decided that the movie was too cartoonish and decided to add some scenes of ridiculous comedy to make you think that this movie was intended as a farce. The Doctor is well aware that studios are known for their wise decisions, but this just doesn't work and only serves to piss off fans of Doc Savage as well as those joining him for the first time. It seems that Hollywood is above material contained in pulps and comic books and must needlessly tamper with them to make them acceptable by its incredibly high standards. This fails time and time again and yet no one bothers to learn from this continuously repeated mistake.

Does this mean that Doc Savage: Man of Bronze is a bad movie? No, and the credit for this goes to Doc's anti-Hollywood bullshit capsules that I mentioned earlier. The attempts at making this a comedy are so few that it is more of a mild irritation than anything else. Unfortunately one of these "hysterical" bits takes place during the final showdown between Doc and the villainous Captain Seas. But then again the action pieces surrounding the ridiculous showdown are good so it almost cancels out the silliness. Now if the whole film had been done with the same sense of the absurd as the "Batman" series it may have worked almost as well as doing a straightforward Doc Savage movie.

Not the great movie it could have been, but it is still entertaining and therefore gets two and half out of four Doctor Muertes on the Muertemeter.

Doctor Muerte prescribes the following for viewers of Doc Savage: The Man of Bronze:

* A pair of Doc Savage anti-Hollywood bullshit goggles to filter out the nonsense so you can view this film as it should have been done. Unfortunately since these goggles were made in the 30's they will not help you enjoy the current celluloid caca of today. Hell even a genius like Doc Savage couldn't have foreseen movies like "Freddie Got Fingered" and "Miss Congeniality" Besides one can not polish a turd no matter how hard they may try.

*Do not look for the sequel "Doc Savage: Arch Enemy of Crime" as this, like the sequel to "Buckaroo Banzai" was never made.

* In the event of the Arnold Schwarzenegger Doc Savage movie that has been mentioned for several years, find yourself a fortress of solitude and go there until the movie has ended up in the bargain bin of your local video store. Sure, Arnold can play Conan like no one else, but could anyone buy him as a genius that fights evil when he isn't finding ways to better mankind?

*Finally, it is advised that you attempt to find some Doc Savage paperbacks, not the easiest of tasks but it is worth the trouble.

EL DIA DE LA BESTIA

(U.S. release: THE DAY OF THE BEAST)

1995

Directed by Alex de la Iglesia

Starring Alex Angulo,Armando de Razza, Santiago Segura, Terele Pavez, Nathalie Sesena and Maria Grazia Cucinotta

Poor Father Angel, he desperately needs to sell his soul to Satan so he can prevent the birth of the Antichrist. Unfortunately, Father Angel is just no good at being a sinner, for try as he might he just can't get in touch with old Lucifer. But all hope is not lost because Father Angel soon gets the assistance of Jose Maria, a Satanic heavy metal record store owner. As Jose Maria and Father Angel set out to contact Satan, they abduct Professor Cavan, the host of a TV talk show dedicated to the occult. Cavan reluctantly agrees to help in the fight, and the three wise men set out to kill baby Satan. Meanwhile Madrid is under the attack of a group of thugs calling themselves Limpia Madrid (which translates to "Clean Up Madrid"). These thugs kill the homeless and any other element of society they find disgusting. The climax of the film finds Limpia Madrid, Father Angel's group and the forces of Satan coming together for a final showdown. There's a bit of a twist ending as the end is anything but a Hollywood ending.

This movie swept the Goya Awards (which is the Spanish equivalent of the Oscars) and for a good reason, too. Alex de la Iglesia is one of the most talented directors to come along in quite some time. What sort of rape will Hollywood want to commit on this man's talented ass when they come calling? MISSION IMPOSSIBLE 3? Or maybe it will be a Helen Hunt and Sandra Bullock road movie. What ever it is, I hope that Mr. de la Iglesia will stick to his guns and come out of the experience intact.

As for the U.S. release called THE DAY OF THE BEAST, I will give it 3.5 Doctor Muertes out 4 on the Muertemeter. It would most certainly get a four if I had a copy that was in Spanish with subtitles. I'm sure that THE DAY OF THE BEAST has been altered slightly for the delicate sensibilities of the American market. I admire Trimark for putting this out at all and if they were to make a DVD with everything restored and the option to watch it in Spanish with subtitles then I would have no complaints and would give the U.S. release a 4. So the final score is THE DAY OF THE BEAST 3.5 out of 4 to EL DIA DE LA BESTIA 4 out of 4.

Doctor Muerte prescribes the following for viewers of EL DIA DE LA BESTIA:

*Soak in great performances by everyone involved, including Jose Maria's catatonic and always nude Grandfather.

*Flesh lovely flesh. The way that most of the women are dressed in this movie is fantastic. Do women really dress like that in Spain? So much flesh.

EVERY WHICH WAY BUT LOOSE

1978

Directed by James Fargo
Starring Clint Eastwood as Philo Beddoe, Sondra Locke as Lynn Halsey-Taylor, Geoffrey Lewis as Orville, Beverly D'Angelo as Echo, Ruth Gordon as Ma, Manis as Clyde

This is the movie that everyone around Clint Eastwood told him not to make. Warner Brothers also had doubts about the movie and only released it in small theaters around the country while promoting Superman. "Every Which Way But Loose" went on to become on of the highest grossing films of all time.

"Every Which Way But Loose" centers around the character Philo Beddoe and his pet orangutan Clyde. Philo is a truck driving, beer drinking, bare knuckle boxing badass and so is his orangutan Clyde. When Lynn Halsey-Taylor -- the woman Philo loves -- runs out on him, he leaves town with his friends Orville and Clyde to embark on a cross country road trip in hopes of tracking her down.

Along the way, Orville rescues a girl named Echo from a life of working at a roadside fruit stand, Clyde gets laid and Philo beats up a biker gang and some cops that he has pissed off. The movie is spared a happy Hollywood ending but it isn't a totally downbeat ending either. This movie is also not as shamelessly wacky as you would expect a movie with a beer drinking orangutan would be. No one could make a movie like this today without it being a total piece of shit. There are some that would argue that this movie is a total piece of shit but they are also the kind of moviegoers that probably spend their private moments masturbating to their "Independence Day" DVD.

This has long been one of my favorite movies, and it gets four Doctor Muertes out of four on the Muertemeter. Nothing can tarnish the Doctor's opinion of this movie. Not even if Tim Burton decided to direct a remake of it starring Jim Carrey.

Doctor Muerte prescribes the following for viewers of EVERY WHICH WAY YOU CAN:

*One of the greatest opening scenes ever. May give you the urge to engage in ass kicking.

*Carefully insert a cotton swab covered with the great theme song into to your ears and gently move it in a clockwise motion.

*Clyde

THE EVICTORS

1979

Directed by Charles B. Pierce
Starring Jessica Harper, Vic Morrow, Michael Parks and Sue Ane Langdon

At the start of this movie we are told that it is based on a true story but since the names, places and dates have been changed any similarities between the true story and this movie are purely coincidental. That's funny because Santa Claus Conquers the Martians is based on my ill-fated run for president in the 50's. It just doesn't seem that way because the names, places and dates were changed. So after some digging I found that The Evictors was based on the Bay of Pigs Invasion and just like what happened to the movie about my presidential campaign, The Evictors has stretched the truth a little.

The Evictors opens with a family shooting it out with bankers and cops that are trying to evict them from their farmhouse. The family gets gunned down and we move ahead about 14 years. A young couple is moving into the farmhouse and would you believe that they find out that every family to live there since the shootout has died mysterious and violent death? You should be able to figure out where this is going by now, it even sets up the twist ending so far ahead of time it would be impossible to surprised by it. Actually there are two twist endings but you shouldn't have trouble seeing either one coming.

The Doctor is very fond of Jessica Harper who plays the housewife troubled by all the death that surrounds her new home. Despite my fondness for her, I can't lie and say she is good in this. She goes in and out of her Southern accent and delivers most of her lines like she's reading them off of cue cards. This probably isn't totally her fault as the script is pretty lousy with gobs of unnatural dialogue.

Vic Morrow seemed to be able to handle this sort of dreck a little better, as he is great as a sleazy real estate agent. Apart from the performance of Vic Morrow, the only other entertaining part of this movie is black and white flashback scenes that show how the former tenants died.

The Evictors gets 1.5 Doctor Muertes out of 4 on the Muertemeter.

Doctor Muerte prescribes the following for viewers of The Evictors:

* Pie

THE FANTASTIC FOUR

1992

Directed by Oley Sassone
Starring Rebecca Wood and Jay Underwood

This movie isn't as bad as you may have heard. It is as hokey as early Fantastic Four comics, which is just fine with me. The effects are pretty terrible, especially where Mr. Fantastic is concerned. On the other hand, The Thing and Dr. Doom costumes look great. Made on a budget of only 2 million dollars, this movie is far better than other Marvel movies like THE PUNISHER and HOWARD THE DUCK. It isn't better than BLADE, but with a bigger budget this would have been as well received as the X-Men movie, which was also hokey but fun. This movie is essentially the origins of The Fantastic Four and Doctor Doom and then an inevitable showdown between Dr. Doom and The Fantastic Four.

Simple, cheap and fun, THE FANTASTIC FOUR gets 3 Doctor Muertes out of 4 on the Muertemeter.

Doctor Muerte prescribes the following for viewers of THE FANTASTIC FOUR:

*A counseling session with anyone who sells bootleg videos as they are sure to have this.

FANTASY MISSION FORCE
a.k.a. MAI NEI DAK GUNG DUI, DRAGON ATTACK, MINI SPECIAL SPECIAL FORCE

1984

Directed by Yin-Ping Chu
Starring Jackie Chan, Brigitte Lin, Yu Wang, Yueh Sun, Tao Da Way, Fang Jung, Shiu Bu Lia, Gou Ling Feng, Adam Cheng and Ling Chang

This film can only be described as a dadaist Kung Fu movie. It is a bunch of exceedingly bizarre scenes that do the most minimal job possible of telling a story.

There is some sort of a plot about world leaders being captured by the Japanese and Nazi Gold. The military wants to save the world leaders and get the Nazi gold, at least I think that is the case, honestly your guess is as good as mine on this one. For some reason the military has passed over such qualified candidates as Snake Plissken, Rocky Balboa and Charlie Chan (I assure you that the Doctor is not making this up.) to perform this task and instead have chosen some loose cannon soldier to assemble a rag tag bunch of misfits for this task, whatever it is.

The Fantasy Mission Force includes some sort of Chinese-Scottish-Benny Hill soldier, a swindler, an escape artist and a pair of weapon toting lovers that going through a difficult period in their relationship. Jackie Chan plays a thief who, with his sister, somehow gets involved with this mighty team.

There are musical numbers without subtitles, women that pop out of lakes and attack people with ribbons and Nazi's driving cars that are from the 70's and seem to be leftovers from a Mad Max movie. There is a twist in the film, where the leader of the Fantasy Mission Force betrays his friends and kills some of them. At least the Doctor is pretty sure that happens.

Jackie defeats the leader of the gang and the Nazis or something along those lines, in a scene that involves the Nazi Mad Max cars racing towards a temple. The Doctor has seen this film several times and it still is unsure as to what it is about.

Perhaps something was lost in the translation, but I doubt it. It is the film equivalent of letting a monkey use an egg beater on your brain. For the first twenty minutes this movie is hilarious, after that it unleashes the egg beater wielding monkey on your brain. Sitting through the entire movie has put some of my patients into comas from which they have never awakened.

While this film may cause permanent brain damage, it is also a masterpiece of absurdity. It is not hard to find as it is public domain and many stores sell it for as little as 3 dollars. It is more than worth that price even if you never finish watching it.

"Fantasy Mission Force" gets 2.5 Doctor Muertes out of 4 on the Muertemeter.

Doctor Muerte prescribes the following for viewers of "Fantasy Mission Force":

*Approach with caution, if you feel the need to watch the entire movie I recommend doing it 20 minutes at a time.

FORBIDDEN ZONE

1980

Directed by Richard Elfman

Starring Herve Villechaize, The Kipper Kids, The Mystic Knights of the Oingo Boingo, Susan Tyrrell, Marie-Pascale Elfman, Toshiro Baloney, Viva, Phil Gordon, Hyman Diamond and Ugh-Fudge Bwana

Class, get your paper grocery bags out, put them on your heads, and turn to page 6 in your history books. Today's lesson is about The Mystic Knights of the Oingo Boingo. Does anyone know who they were? Come on, let's see some hands. OK Jimmy, it looks like you think you know the answer, let's hear it.

"They were that band that did Dead Man's Party?"

Well Jimmy, you're right and wrong at the same time.

"How can that be, Doctor Muerte?"

Shut up and I'll tell you. In a time called the 70's, a man by the name of Richard Elfman decided to start an avant-garde musical theater group. This group was called The Mystic Knights of the Oingo Boingo. The group played in the street, theaters and even appeared on "The Gong Show."

"Um, Doctor Muerte, did they win?"

Win what, Susie?

"On 'The Gong Show,' did they win?"

Yes Susie, they did win, now no more interruptions please. As time went on, The Mystic Knights of the Oingo Boingo started to make the shift from theater group to rock band. Danny Elfman, Richard's brother, would take this band called Oingo Boingo to new heights in California but many other places were too full of brain parasites for their residents to fully appreciate this band. But we'll get back to that later. You see, Richard wanted to do a movie that captured the essence of what the Mystic Knights had done before they became Oingo Boingo. This movie was called FORBIDDEN ZONE. It was a collection of many Mystic Knights numbers such as "Minnie the Moocher" and the "Mystic Knights Theme," but these songs were slightly altered so they would pertain to the story.

"What was the story?"

Didn't I say no interruptions, Johnny?

"Yeah, but--"

No buts, go strap yourself into the electric chair. I'll deal with you after class.

"Hey there Johnny boy, I hope you fry!"

Do you want to go to the chair too, Danny?

"No, sir."

Then be quiet and let me finish the lesson. Now, the story of FORBIDDEN ZONE is that once upon a time the Hercules family moved into a house that just happened to have a gateway to the 6th dimension in the basement. The 6th dimension was a dangerous place run by the mad King Fausto (Herve Villechaize) and his Evil Queen (Susan Tyrrell); this made hanging out in the 6th dimension forbidden to the Hercules kids. Hence the title FORBIDDEN ZONE.

Now little Frenchy Hercules (Marie-Pascale Elfman) just couldn't quell her curiosity about the 6th dimension and decided to check it out. This led to her becoming a prisoner of King Fausto. But King Fausto loved Frenchy and had plans for her. After all, she was French and that made her a direct descendant of God, just like the king. Flash and Gramps Hercules (Phil Gordon and Hyman Diamond) went to rescue Frenchie but had a hard time of it, so they called their friend Squeezit Henderson (Toshiro Baloney) whose sister was also imprisoned in the 6th dimension. Squeezit came to the 6th dimension and made a deal with Satan (Danny Elfman) for the release of his friends. Pa Hercules ended up in the 6th dimension after accidentally blowing up the La Brea tar pits factory he worked in. Then Flash and Gramps released the old Queen from the 6th dimension prison where she was being held. The Evil Queen then killed Old Queen and then Ma Hercules showed up and killed the Evil Queen. This lead to Frenchie becoming the new Queen of the 6th dimension and a big celebration in the Forbidden Zone.

Then the Mystic Knights were no more and Oingo Boingo went on to have a long and very entertaining career. At one point in time the band changed itís name again by dropping the Oingo and being simply Boingo. Why this was done, I have never known. But I do know that by the live farewell album, the band was once again called Oingo Boingo. If you don't know that Danny Elfman (who scored FORBIDDEN ZONE) is the most popular composer working today, then you belong in the remedial dungeon. That wraps our lesson on FORBIDDEN ZONE; class dismissed.

FORBIDDEN ZONE is the live action equivalent of a Fleischer Brothers cartoon. Easily one of the most original no-budget movies ever made. Forbidden Zone gets 4 Doctor Muertes out of 4 on the Muertemeter.

Doctor Muerte prescribes the following for viewers of FORBIDDEN ZONE:

*The soundtrack. It is available from Varese Sarabande records. You will have severe withdrawal symptoms if you view this film and then do not have the soundtrack on hand afterwards.

*10,000mg of old Oingo Boingo videos directed by Richard Elfman. They have a FORBIDDEN ZONE feel to them. The video for "Little Girls" is the Doctor's favorite music video of all time.

*A physical therapy session with Richard Elfman's later masterpiece SHRUNKEN HEADS.

GALAXINA

1980

Directed by William Sachs
Starring Dorothy Stratten, Avery Schreiber, James David Hinton and Stephen Macht

The year is 3008, and Dorothy Stratten is Galaxina, the robot pilot of the Starship Infinity. The Infinity is an intergalactic police cruiser and its crew are intergalactic traffic cops. This is the hilarious setup for what is easily the funniest sci-fi parody of all time.

No wait, that is a fraudulent statement for Galaxina is generally awful. It is not that the Doctor doesn't appreciate dumb comedies, it's just that this one isn't funny enough to make you not see that Dorothy Stratten is miserable. This was a movie that her husband/killer forced her to do and for most of the movie this is glaringly obvious. Stratten is supposed to be playing an emotionless robot, but instead she looks like she is going to cry at any moment.

There are occasional funny moments, such as a commercial for a liquor store that caters to alcoholics. But most of the comedy comes from idiotic science fiction references. For instance there are lines like "in space no one can hear your siren". Are you laughing? Well then this will bowl you over, there is an alien that has upside down Vulcan ears and his name is Mr. Spot. I apologize if you've just soiled your pants with laughter, but I just had to share that comic moment with you. And if loved the wacky aliens in the Mos Eisley Cantina, then you'll go nuts for the patrons of Miss Kitty's Whorehouse and the Human Restaurant that serves human meat. That's right Galaxina has two cantina scenes, stick that in your pipe and smoke it, Star Wars.

There isn't much of a plot outside of Galaxina retooling herself, so she can sleep with her fellow crewmember Lt. Thor. There is something about a mysterious gem called the Blue Star that Infinity crew is trying to find and a hostile alien that is trying to get the Blue Star for his own evil purposes. This movie is more of a collection of really terrible skits than a linear movie. One of the movie's most painful jokes revolves around a gang that worships Harley Davidson motorcycles. Words can not describe how unfunny this gang is and it comes on the heels of an asinine wild west showdown between the bad guy and Galaxina.

Awful, I found myself pleading with this film, I begged it to end but it refused and seemed to take decades before it had run its course. In the words of Stephanie Tanner "How rude!" The only reason to watch this film is out of morbid curiosity. That is why the Doctor leapt on the recent DVD release. Was it worth my own suffering to see Dorothy Stratten suffer? No, it wasn't and I don't see it being a worthwhile viewing experience for anyone.

For making the Doctor laugh twice during this otherwise painful movie, Galaxina gets 1 Doctor Muerte out of 4 on the Muertemeter.

Doctor Muerte prescribes the following for viewers of Galaxina:

*Smack yourself in the head with a ball peen hammer for an hour before viewing. If you do this, then I guarantee that Galaxina will be the funniest thing you have ever seen. Is it worth the permanent brain damage? That, my dear patients is up to you.

*Beware! This review has just scratched the surface of how awful this mess is. For instance Avery Schreiber's character is named Captain Butt and James David Hinton plays a stoner named Buzz. Get it? He's a stoner and his name is Buzz. This movie is crammed with this sort of brilliant wit. If you don't receive brain damage from my ball peen hammer treatment, then you certainly will be if you wait for something funny to happen in Galaxina.

The Garbage Pail Kids Movie
1987
Directed by: Rodney Amateau
Starring:� Mackenzie Astin, Anthony Newley, Katie Barberi, Debbie Lee Carrington, Kevin Thompson, Phil Fondacaro, Larry Green, Auturo Gil, Susan Rossito and Bobby Bell

The Garbage Pail Kids were a series of trading cards in the 80's that delighted children and upset their parents, which in turn delighted the children even more.� But the children and their parents were able to see eye to eye on one of the many by-products of the popular cards. The thing that brought unity to generations divided by trading cards, was their mutual hatred for "The Garbage Pail Kids Movie".� While I have been living on this planet for many centuries, I spent the 80's as a child. This was do to a battle that took place in the mid 70's against some no account superhero named Space Ace, where my Infanto Ray was turned upon me and I was turned into an infant. I eventually got me revenge on the bastard by feeding him to an intelligent mold from a distant galaxy, but that dear patients is a story for another time.�

Since I was at the right age, and an evil centuries old alien trapped in the body of a minor, I too delighted in the often sadistic Garbage Pail Kids trading cards.� When I had heard talk of a movie being made, I was damn near ecstatic.� I envisioned an animated feature, where since every Garbage Pail Kid had a twin (same card, different name for the twin, COLLECT THEM ALL!) there would be a war between the twins.� Imagine it, massive armies of grotesque Garbage Pail Kids, fighting to the death against their doppelgangers.� That was the movie I was waiting for, so imagine my surprise when I saw the trailer and realized that Hollywood had completely ignored my concept of what a Garbage Kids Movie should be.� It is true, there was to be no doppelgangers, war, or animation.� Instead, there was a handful of little people in terrible costumes, McKenzie Astin and singing.� I was ready to accept a little deviation from my ideal GPK movie, after all I was not consulted once during production, but to destroy and then urinate on the remains, that was thoroughly unacceptable.� I� refused to see the movie and much like the rest of America's youth, my interest in the cards greatly declined.� I still purchased them on occasion and was always surprised when a new series came out. Topps never had a cash cow like The Garbage Kids and hasn�t since, so they were going to hang on to the little bastards until they squeezed out every last dime. Finally around series 16 there was nothing left of the dead horse to flog and series 16 passed quietly into a dumpster never to be released to the public. Garbage to garbage, snot to snot.

Years passed and I continued to avoid the movie on video and the rare showing on TV.� Eventually I grew out of the effects from the episode with the Infanto Ray, reopened the labs and settled the score with Space Ace.� Things seemed to be going smoothly for yours truly and I was certain that I would take over Earth any day soon.� There was however, a demon from my past beginning for attention.� No, I am not referring to Lord Zarkoboulos the Master of Used Car Salesmen.� I refer only to the traitorous Garbage Pail Kids Movie.� For some terrible and unknown reason, I had to see this movie. It was time to make peace with the piece of shit, after all how bad could it be?�

How bad could it be? Well, it seems that I was not the only one asking this question.� It seems that in trying to make a movie before the shelf-life of The Garbage Pail Kids fad ran out, Rodney Amateau the writer/director decided to make a movie that is a stream of consciousness caca tour-de-force. I can see everyone showing up on the set on any given day during the filming of this movie, grabbing whatever props, and characters the budget would allow and making up scenes on the spot.� Not to say that there isn't a basic idea of a plot, but it is so paper thin that you never know what will happen next.�

The movie focuses on a kid named Dodger.� Dodger has problems with a local gang of ruffians and to make matters worse he is in love with Tangerine, the leader of the gang's girlfriend.� Things are not all bad for young Dodger though, for he is friends with Cap'n Mancini, an eccentric old man who runs one of those antique shops filled with mysterious and often times magical artifacts.� Dodger is given free reign of the antique shop, but there is one item he is never to touch.� That object is a seemingly ordinary garbage can.� Needless to say, after a scuffle in the antique shop with the aforementioned ruffians, that garbage can is knocked over and some of the green slime that was so popular in the 80's begins to seep out.� But rest assured dear patients that the can does not only contain green slime.� Oh no, it just so happens that is also contains seven of those lovable Garbage Pail Kids.�

The Garbage Pail Kids that were chosen for immortality through celluloid are: Ali Gator, an alligator child with a penchant for eating human body parts (preferably toes). Valerie Vomit, no explanation needed there.� Greaser Greg, a 50's style tough guy with a switchblade and a bad attitude to match.� Nat Nerd, a zit faced kid in a super hero costume that constantly pisses himself.� Foul Phil, a baby with really bad breath.� Windy Winston a.k.a. Mr. Fartsalot and Messy Tessie, a girl that has a constant stream of snot coming from her nose.

The costumes for the kids feature some of the most unsettling make-up this side of the Alfred E. Neuman from Up the Academy.� Add to this, the fact that the kids aren't entirely friendly at first and you've got a kids' movie that is destined to terrify much of its target audience.�

After a failed attempt to put the kids back into the garbage can by Cap'n Mancini, the kids become friends with Dodger and decide to help him win the heart of the much older and ruffian affiliated Tangerine.� Cap'n Mancini reluctantly allows Dodger and the kids to associate with each other while he figures out a way to put them back into their can.� Its not that he doesn't like the kids, he simply believes that it is for their own good, as society can not tolerate the ugly.� To emphasize this point, we learn that many other Garbage Pail Kids have been imprisoned at the State Home for the Ugly.�

Now that we have the basic elements of the plot to this movie all on table, we can move into the bizarre manner in which all of these elements are dealt with.� Let us begin with the way Dodger worms his way into Tangerine's heart with the help of the Garbage Pail Kids.� Well dear patients, it seems that Tangerine is not really a ruffian, but a fashion designer and as soon as her clothing line takes off she is going to distance herself from her shady past.� So logically, we learn that the Garbage Pail Kids are experts in the realm of fashion and make Dodger a really ugly coat, that could only be appreciated by people in a bad movie or Michael Jackson.� Dodger shows off his new coat to Tangerine, takes the credit for making it and is suckered into making more clothes for Tangerine's upcoming fashion show.� Dodger pleads with the kids to produce these clothes and they agree, on one condition, Dodger has to help them free their friends from the State Home for the Ugly.� He agrees and the Garbage Pail Kids break into a song about working together.� You see they can do anything while working with each other.� Part of this anything involves them stealing supplies to get the job done.� After the clothes are finished Dodger introduces Tangerine to the kids.� Tangerine is disgusted with the ugly little bastards and rather then let them come to the fashion show, she locks them in the basement.� This is a shame because the kids really wanted to go the show and had even disguised themselves as clowns, so they wouldn�t stick out.� Things get hairier for the kids, when Tangerine's ruffian pals show up and take the kids to the State Home for the Ugly.� It turns out that Dodger has been blinded by his love for Tangerine and has given her values that no self-respecting ruffian moll would ever be caught dead with.

Now that we have covered the plot point of how the Garbage Pail Kids tried to help Dodger win Tangerine, we have also covered much of what happens in the movie.� But fortunately there is plenty more fun to be had here dear patients.� Let us get down to the business of the State Home for the Ugly and the Garbage Pail Kids that are believed to be held hostage there.� You see, before getting wrapped up in the whole sweatshop aspect of things, our intrepid Garbage Pail Kids have a wild night on the town.� They steal a Pepsi truck ripping of the driver's pants in the process, go to the movies and make friends with some bikers at a bar.� This may seem like frivolous behavior, but it is more serious than you might think.� While engaging in these shennangins the kids are looking for other Garbage Pail Kids.� Eventually it is decided that they are in the State Home for the Ugly, which brings us to the deal between Dodger and the kids, where they'll make the clothes if he helps bust their friends out of jail.� Unfortunately the kids get so wrapped up in making the clothes that they seem to forget about their friends and decide they would rather go to Tangerine's fashion show.� As mentioned before, this leads to them being sent to the State Home for the Ugly by Tangerine's ruffians.� Cap'n Mancini and Dodger go to rescue the kids and find that those dastardly state sponsored judges of beauty have captured Santa Claus for being too fat, Gandhi for being too skinny and a clown for being too funny.� The kids are all held in one cell, labeled too gross.� But there is something fishy about all this, for it is only the seven Garbage Pail Kids we already know.� Where are their friends?� The answer I'm afraid, is tragic.� After the bikers the kids befriended rip the way off the State Home for the Ugly and free everyone, a garbage truck passes and Cap'n Mancini says that they were too late and the kids' friends have been killed.� This means little too anyone involved, for they have bigger fish to fry, namely Tangerine and her gang of ruffians.

Now we are ready for the climatic showdown.� Dodger and the kids arrive at Tangerine's show and raise hell.� During this sequence we finally get to see Valerie Vomit do what her namesake implies as she vomits on the ruffians.� Saved the best for last, eh Rodney Amateau?� Hooray, Dodger and the kids have thwarted the evil ruffians.� This all causes Tangerine to apologize to Dodger, but it is a case of too little too late, as Dodger refuses to accept her apology and tells her he just doesn't think she's pretty anymore. �Zing! Take that Tangerine, you ruffian tool, you.

The movie ends with a resolution of sorts to Cap'n Mancini's dilemma over how to get the kids back in the can.� He figures that by playing a song backwards, he will have magically returned the kids to their rightful home.� While he plays the song, the kids slip out unnoticed by Mancini and bid farewell to Dodger as they ride into the night on their four wheeler with a wagon attached to the back.� As the credits roll, we are treated to a song that tells the viewer that you can be a Garbage Pail Kid.� It is appropriately called "You Can Be a Garbage Kid".

Finally, I have been able to silence the nagging demon that has over the years demanded that I see The Garbage Pail Kids Movie.� However, I am now faced with the difficult task of rating the damn thing.� Should the now defunct Atlantic Releasing Corp. that brought us this as well as the abominable Heathcliff The Movie (several episodes from the syndicated cartoon cut together), be praised for having the utmost contempt for their target demographic?� In the case of this movie, I am inclined to say yes.� The Garbage Pail Kids Movie is so absurd, that it transcends the cheap "kids are stupid and will watch anything" ideology upon which it was built.� No moment demonstrates this better than the point in the film where the murder of the other Garbage Pail Kids is casually dismissed.� While I am fairly certain that at one point, the other Garbage Pail Kids were to have been rescued and the reason they were not was due to a low budget.� I still can't believe that the fate of the other kids turned out to be so grim and seemingly unimportant.� Why lament the death of your friends when you can wreck a fashion show?

In the end, The Garbage Pail Kids Movie gets 4 Doctor Muertes out of 4 on the Muertemeter for turning a cheap, thoughtless production into a jaw dropping glimpse into the absolute depths of movie hell.� This may be the king of all bad movies and for that it has my praise.

The Doctor prescribes the following for viewers of "The Garbage Pail Kids Movie":

Start an online petition to get Topps to bring more of their properties to the big screen.� Let them know that "The Garbage Pail Kids Movie" and "Mars Attacks" were not enough and that you demand to see films like "Wacky Packages: The Movie" and "The Adventures of Bazooka Joe".

The Go-Go's in That Embarrassing Home Movie

198?

Directed by ?
Starring Belinda Carlisle, Kathy Valentine, The Roadie on Ludes and The Freaked Out Fan

This is not a movie, this should have never been seen by the public (much like "Corky Romano"). But it escaped and thanks to the underground world of bootleg tapes this is not all that hard to come by.

This review is being written mainly to clear up some misconceptions that the many people have about this tape. Shot after a Go-Go's concert this tape is a document of a drug addled evening with Go-Go's members Belinda Carlisle and Kathy Valentine. It is not a porno movie as many believe, that is unless you are aroused by a roadie on ludes trying desperately to get it up so he can copulate with a freaked out fan who is not interested in him even if he could produce an erection. This impossible task takes up the bulk of the tape and makes for some funny moments, such as when Kathy Valentine pretends to be aroused by the roadie in hopes that it will help him in his endeavor (Kathy "Oh you're really turning me on." Roadie "Then touch it" Kathy "I can't but you're really turning me on"). But for the most part it is boring and not entertaining, once again this excludes people who enjoy seeing a guy pulling on his lifeless member.

There is a part in the middle of the tape where the freaked out fan is nearly attacked by the cameraman. This is an interesting and nasty little bit on the tape, which has the tendency to embarrass viewers that have made it that far.

The finale of this mess involves the Roadie on Ludes passing out on a bed and being covered in condiments and shaving cream. Matches are put out in his ass, which are then followed by a vibrator. The Roadie on Ludes barely notices any of this, but thankfully it was all caught on tape so I'm sure he got to see what he missed as soon as he sobered up.

That is the whole thing in a nutshell. As I previously stated there are some funny bits of drug induced rambling, nothing remarkable and they are only made funny because it is members of The Go-Go's saying them. It would be absolutely worthless if this was a tape of frat boys doing the same things. Ah, the value of celebrity.

"The Go-Go's in That Embarrassing Home Movie" gets 1.5 Doctor Muertes out of 4 on the Muertemeter.

Doctor Muerte prescribes the following for viewers of "The Go-Go's in That Embarrassing Home Movie":

*Do not take without the fast forward button close at hand. Trust me you won't miss much by skipping past most of the Roadie on Ludes sitting on the John. In fact you wouldn't miss much by fast forwarding through the whole tape.

The Gong Show Movie
1980
Directed by Chuck Barris
Starring Chuck Barris, Jaye P. Morgan, Murray Langston a.k.a. The Unknown Comic, Gene Gene the Dancin' Machine, Rip Taylor and Della Barris

"From Muerte Labs, almost live. It's The Gong Show Movie Review."

This movie delivers everything that you would expect from a movie called "The Gong Show Movie".� Therefore your enjoyment of it partially hinges on your opinion of The Gong Show.� In other words, if you loved The Gong Show then you'll probably love the movie and vice-versa.�

Co-written by Robert Downey, this movie also has look and feel of one of his movies.� If you are not a fan of Mr. Downey then this may not be your cup of tea. Again, if you're a fan of Downey then you are in for a good time.

Still here? Then either you are a fan of The Gong Show, Robert Downey, both, or are driven by morbid curiosity to know more about this movie.

"The Gong Show Movie" came out after Chuck had done everything in his power to get The Gong Show cancelled by the network.� His plan worked and he was free from the rules and regulations imposed upon by the network and ready to make a movie.

The movie is a loose retelling of The Gong Show's final days, with Chuck getting increasingly pissed off at the network, the contestants, his overzealous fans and his detractors.� The plot of this movie is similar to all of the books he has written, where he can't take people thinking he is the TV antichrist, or worse a moron, just for giving the people what they want.� As a result of him and his work being held in such an unfavorable light, he finds himself unable to maintain a normal relationship with the women who come into his life.

A good deal of the footage in this movie comes from actual Gong Show episodes, including acts that were censored, the judges swearing and the infamous footage of Jaye P. Morgan taking her top off on the show. We are also treated to clips of Chuck deteriorating right in front of the audiences' eyes.

Eventually Chuck cracks and goes out into the middle of the Sahara desert to get away from everything.� Not long after he gets there, he is tracked down by characters from the movie and wooed back to Hollywood with a song and dance number.� Chuck is back, The Gong Show goes on and not much has changed.� The network is still upset with the content of the show and Chuck still seems miserable as the movie ends with a replay of the first scene of the movie, where Chuck wakes up, puts his hat on, drops his head into his hands and says "shit".� Moral of the story? �Perhaps it is that the entertainment industry is a horrible parasite that just may ruin your life.� You'll be fairly compensated, but miserable.� These days Chuck seems happy enough, but he is also no longer involved in the entertainment industry.

A complete failure when it was first released, it is doubtful that this movie will ever see the light of day again.� Which is a damn shame indeed, as this movie is significantly better than the miserable "Confessions of a Dangerous Mind".�

"The Gong Show Movie" gets 4 Doctor Muertes out of 4 on the Muertemeter.

Doctor Muerte prescribes the following for viewers of "The Gong Show Movie":

Ingest as many episodes of The Gong Show as you can and call me in the morning.

Look for a young Phil Hartman in a bizarre cameo as a gun carrying man interested in appearing on The Gong Show.

HANNIBAL

2001

Directed by Ridley Scott
Starring Anthony Hopkins, Julianne Moore, Ray Liotta and Gary Oldman

Director Ridley Scott has borrowed liberally from Italian horror directors like Lucio Fulci and Dario Argento for the viscera drenched "Hannibal". This movie goes so far as to even have a score that is shockingly similar to the Suspiria theme. It is almost identical except it doesn't have a moog synthesizer and a chorus saying "witches".

That said, since "Hannibal" is a rip off of the masters of Italian gore, it is also one of the most enjoyable Hollywood movies I have seen in quite some time. I felt like I should be watching this movie at a drive in, or as a rental that comes in a big porno movie style box (As a dearly departed associate of the Doctor once said "If it's in a big box it rocks".).

For years Hollywood and the exploitation circuits ripped each other off. But for the most part it was Hollywood that benefited the most, by stealing fresh ideas from exploitation movies and grafting a larger budget on to them. Eventually Hollywood decided it was good enough to get along without the independent studios to steal from. This led to the small studios being forced out of existence in Nazi style genocide, or is it studiocide? Who cares? But now we are tortured by a mega budget studio system that gets progressively worse each year and is losing money. Looks like Hollywood needed the independents more than they thought. And no independent movies are not those that you see at Art Houses that are bank rolled by major studios. I'm not even sure under what criteria those films believe they fit into to be able to call themselves independent films.

So if the independents are gone than how does "Hannibal" come out looking and feeling like a drive in movie? Simple, the answer is DVDs. With every new format (as it had happened with cable and video), the market gets flooded with B-Movies because the major studios are too slow in getting their product to retailers, but companies that own B-Movies are more than happy to fill the shelves with anything they have. This leads me to believe that Ridley Scott must have been watching a great deal of rereleased B-Movies on DVD. Looks like the independents live on to be mined by the major studios after all.

Enough about the rape of the independents, let's get on the meat of the film. "Hannibal" concerns a millionaire that was disfigured by Hannibal Lecter and now spends his time plotting a grisly demise for him. This demise is to be at the hands, I mean snouts of man eating boars. Yes, this movie has a man training pigs to eat Hannibal Lecter. The millionaire fails in his plot against Lecter and ends up getting eaten by his own attack pigs. Then there is a side story about an Italian cop that is trying to catch Hannibal to receive reward money. This leads to the cop's informant getting stabbed in the crotch and the eventual hanging and disembowelment of the cop. And to top it all off, the finale reunites Hannibal with Clarice Starling. Joining them is a crooked FBI agent that set up Clarice earlier in the film. This FBI agent is to be dinner and spends most his time at the table with his brain exposed. Hannibal begins to cook the man's brain while he is still alive and feeds the man pieces of his own cooked brain. Clarice ends up hand cuffing Hannibal to herself and Hannibal cuts of his own hand to escape. But wait there's more, we get to see Hannibal on a plane with a curious boy who shares a common bond with Lecter in that they both don't like airline food. The boy insists on trying some of the food that Hannibal has brought along. Hannibal tries to steer the boy away from the grey matter, but that is what the boy wants and Hannibal gleefully obliges the boy's request.

While "Hannibal" does borrow elements from the work of Eurohorror maestros like Fulci and Argento, it doesn't come close to being the same category as their finest films. Instead it is more reminiscent of one of their forgettable yet still enjoyable works, such as Argento's Trauma.

Hannibal is trashy, but good and trashy, which is a welcome change of pace for the Hollywood of today whose output seems only to consist of the lame and worthless. Doctor Muerte gives his old colleague Dr. Lecter 4 Doctor Muertes out of 4 on the Muertemeter.

Doctor Muerte prescribes the following for viewers of Hannibal: *If I were a sound bite generating reviewer I would probably make some retarded joke here about chianti and fava beans. But I am not, so you will have to go elsewhere if you desire that sort of pap. I would like to apologize to the retarded community for comparing them to sound bite generating movie reviewers.