Secret File # 2847

Several years ago Dr. Muerte was interviewed by David Manning for the slop filled rag known as "Entertainment Weekly" for reasons unknown to the Doctor the interview was never published. Various fake versions of the interview have appeared on a number of websites and at there have even been people offering fake tapes of the interview on web-auction sites. To clear up any confusion these bootleggers have caused, we now present for the first time the interview in it's entirety.

-START TRANSCRIPT

EW: Doctor Muerte, may I call you Doc?

Dr. M: You may not.

EW: Okay.um..Doctor Muerte you have been known to say some terrible things about America's beloved celebrities. As an entertainment reporter there are certain celebrities that are untalented, but you have taken shots at some of the industry's greats. For instance you have said that you wouldn't piss down Robin Williams throat if his stomach was on fire. Now I happen to know Robin and he is one of the funniest men that has ever lived. Why would you say something like this about a man whose exceptional talent has brought joy to so many?

Dr. M: It is true that I said that, but to be fair to myself and Mr. Williams, let it be known that I would gladly piss down his throat any other time. As for why I said that about him well that should be obvious to all who have suffered through his body of work. And while it is true that I have said terrible things about these peons, I have also been known to do terrible things to them, if we happen to cross paths.

EW: So you are the Doctor Muerte that made Sandra Bullock cry?

Dr. M: Unless Sandra Bullock is besieged on the daily basis by a parade of other mad masked geniuses that make her cry, she should be so lucky, I must be the culprit.

EW: So you would use the term "mad masked genius" to describe yourself? Dr M: No more often than you would use the term "fat hack" to describe yourself.

EW: I am quite certain I have never referred to myself as a "fat hack". I was simply.

Dr. M: No I suppose the term "hack" implies some sort of professional knowledge that compensates for a complete lack of competence and talent. Clearly you lack professionalism so this term can not be applied to you. I withdraw my statement. You are not a hack. However, I think it is quite obvious to everyone that you are indeed fat. Now fatty, would it be possible for you to put your petty name calling aside, I simply will not sit through another volley of insults.

EW: Volley of insults? I didn't call you any names. You started it.

Dr. M: Again, I must point out your complete lack of professionalism. Do you make it your policy to berate your interviewees and then call them liars? I have killed crippled children for far less little man.

EW: All right, we will just move on--okay?

Dr. M: Why not? I find you ineffectual insults to be most amusing.

EW: Very well, How did you make Sandra Bullock cry?

Dr. M: Most people think it was due to a couple of nasty but true things I said about her in my movie reviews.

EW: That isn't what happened?

Dr. M: Well maybe those things I've said made her cry, I don't know and I don't care. What made her cry was when I choked her mother to death at the circus. She was just a child then and I had no idea I could have spared the world the menace of Sandra Bullock that day if I choked her instead. But you know what they say hindsight is always 20/20.

EW: Yes, they do say that. Speaking of traumatic childhoods I've heard that you had a bad time growing up yourself.

Dr. M: Yes and no. For instance, I was never picked last for Kick ball, a fate you no doubt suffered time and time again during a husky childhood, but I would say that my life got off to a bad start. You see when I was just a baby I was sent to earth in a tiny rocket ship.

EW: Let me guess this happened moments before your planet exploded?

Dr. M: No, it's still there. I have always wanted to return to my home world and even the score with the lousy parents that stranded me on your miserable little planet.

EW: So do you have any super powers?

Dr. M: Sure, who doesn't.

EW: Care to elaborate on those powers?

Dr. M: I can return videos without rewinding them and not get fined.

EW: Anything else?

Dr. M: I was usually one of the first kids picked for kick ball and with your help I have proven my aptitude for answering inane questions

EW: I'm inclined to believe that you don't really have any super powers at all.

Dr M: I'm sure that you also inclined to believe that you are a talented reporter, just because you believe in something doesn't make it real.

EW: How did this interview become an attack on me? Did I offend you by telling you I think Robin Williams is funny earlier?

Dr. M: GIVE JESUS BACK TO THE MARTIANS MAN! I thought you were joking when you said that. Did you know that I subjected a lab full of chimps to 72 consecutive viewings of Ms. Doubtfire and not one of them laughed once. Several committed suicide and nearly half ripped their own eyes out and stuffed them into their ears. That was the reaction of the movie's target demographic. I would tell you what happened when I did the same test to a lab full of humans but it is far too horrible to print in a magazine like Highlights for Children.

EW: I'm not from Highlights for Children.

Dr. M: Then what publication has the misfortune of employing you?

EW: Entertainment Weekly

Dr. M: Leave now and I will spare your life.

-END TRANSCRIPT

The interviewer was found strangled to death with a pair of Mork and Mindy suspenders in a theater showing Flubber two days later. The case remains unsolved although a chimp with robotic eyes and what looked like his natural eyes shoved in his ears, was seen at the scene of the crime.

Dr. M