Secret File #V66-280

There once was a director that showed some promise in Hollywood, great films like "Pee Wee's Big Adventure", "Beetlejuice" and "Edward Scissorhands" seemed to set the stage for great things to come. Then the director grew up to be the Tim Burton who makes stylishly shot diarrhea. With the recent leakage via the internet of the ending to Tim Burton's "Planet of the Apes" before it was in theaters, Burton said it was difficult to go on as a filmmaker when people will just give away your secrets. "Planet of the Apes" was a terrible movie, not only that but Tim Burton has not made a good movie in years. And although I have tried to use Tim Burton's amazing technique of re-imagining things, I still can not escape the fact that he has not made a good movie in years and seems to be getting progressively worse. So you may be asking, Doc how can we stop the menace that is Tim Burton? Simple really, I have found out the endings to the next eight Tim Burton movies and will put them on the internet before they are even made.

WARNING CONTAINS SPOILERS FOR AWFUL MEGA BUDGET MOVIES!

"SUPERMAN"

From the director that brought you disappointment and terrible anger comes "Superman". "Superman" is the story of Clark Kent, a disgruntled gen x rockstar who just also happens to be Superman. Now poor Clark must grapple with the woes of fame, his horny manager Lois Lane that never gives him a moment's peace and the pressure of always having to save the world. When record executive Lex Luthor puts mind altering subliminal messages in Clark's latest release, Superman must find a way to stop Luthor before his new record turns his throngs of adoring fans into mindless zombies.

THE ENDING TO "SUPERMAN"
Superman is unsuccessful in stopping Luthor and tries to shoot himself in the head with a Kryptonite bullet. As he pulls the trigger it is revealed that Clark Kent has dreamt the whole thing from his bed on Krypton. A single tear falls from his eye as he gets ready for his job at a Krypton Insurance Company.

"TIM BURTON'S: CALIGULA"

In this stunning portrait of the life and times of Caligula, Burton re-imagines the mad emperor as a wacky sex fiend bent on opening a chain of brothel/discotheques all over Rome. Unfortunately for Cal (as he's called in the movie) the Roman Senate wants nothing to do with his scheme and plan to kill him. When Cal's horse (expertly portrayed by Lisa Kudrow) overhears the plot to kill Caligula, she tips him off and the two flee Rome. The two get married by wood nymphs and plan a counter attack on the evil Senators.

THE ENDING TO "TIM BURTON'S: CALIGULA"
While riding through the forest Cal and his horse are sucked into a time warp that sends them to 42nd St. in the 70's. They open a brothel/discotheque and live happily ever after.

"THE GARBAGE KIDS MOVIE 2: THE DARKNESS FROM THE DUMP"
Not really a direct sequel, but more of a re-imagining of the Garbage Pail Kids mythos. Much like "Mars Attacks" his other attempt at bringing trading cards to the big screen, the Garbage Pail Kids are little computer animated hellions bent on taking over the world.

THE ENDING TO "THE GARBAGE PAIL KIDS MOVIE 2: THE DARKNESS FROM THE DUMP"
The sassy, depressed, goth-chic daughter of the mayor of Sunnyville realizes that reading passages from her diary that detail how hard it is to be girl in the suburbs kills the Garbage Pail Kids. She commandeers a blimp and flies over the assembled armies of the Garbage Pail Kids while laying bare her tortured soul through giant speakers mounted on the side of the blimp, thus destroying the enemy and saving the day. She is given a medal by the president for her bravery and the sassy lass says "Whatever" as an acceptance speech, before skulking off stage.

"ANNIE HALL"

Woody Allen is a paranormal detective in a city of perpetual night who must save a homely but enchanting violinist from an anti-Semitic swarm of locust.

THE ENDING TO "ANNIE HALL"
The locust queen is none other than Annie Hall, who tries to bite the head off of the heartbroken detective, who then stabs her in the heart with her own violin bow.

"ALIEN"

Ripley a soft spoken elderly woman befriends a bumbling alien with acid for blood. She convinces it to go to America and find its fortune and fame. Watch the xenomorph learn real human love and emotion as it works as a migrant day laborer. Laugh, cry and laugh again as it's clawed hands snap apart the shovel its trying to dig with and its deadly razor sharp tail decapitates his foreman.

THE ENDING TO "ALIEN"
The Alien finds fame as the worlds greatest organic thresher. Airlock Industries sees a way to make a profit off of this and builds a mechanical thresher based on the Alien's DNA. The Alien and the thresher then face off in a good old fashioned re-imagining of the tale of John Henry. Tragedy strikes when the Alien accidentally knocks Ripley into Airlock Industries thresher killing her. The Alien takes of to the hills with a broken heart never to be seen again.

"KILLER KLOWNS FROM OUTER SPACE"

Thanks to the overwhelming demand by "Ain't it Cool News" head Harry Knowles, Timbo steps up to the plate to re-imagine this klassic film. Budgeted around $150 million this epic places those no good Klowns in America during the 20's. Upon arriving they take over a traveling circus and go from town to town harvesting humans for some spooky purpose. The Klowns have been re-imagined as being able to speak English this time around and through their cryptic and haunting dialogues with each other, the viewer is given a sense that the Klowns are torn by some kind of inner turmoil. Tracking the Klowns on their path of destruction is P.T. Barnum. Barnum gets the help of some magically gifted pinheads to help him locate the Klowns so he can put an end to their reign of terror.

THE ENDING TO "KILLER KLOWNS FROM OUTER SPACE"
It turns out that P.T. Barnum is also from outer space and that he was the one who created the Klowns with the intent of having them get rid of humans so that his race could colonize our planet. Knowing that Barnum will destroy them once they have completed their task, the Klowns have decided to keep Earth for themselves and have broken off all communication with their cruel master. Barnum and the pinheads find the Klowns and the showdown begins. The pinheads are captured by a large breasted female Klown that tells them of Barnum's plan. The pinheads join forces with the Klowns to stop Barnum and defeat him by wrapping him in a kotton kandy kokkoon and blasting him into the sun. The pinheads and the Klowns then set out to get rid of all the normal folk to make Earth a haven for Killer Klowns and sideshow freaks.


"TIM BURTON PRESENTS: GEEK LOVE"
From the terrible book comes a terrible movie. "Geek Love" is a stop motion animated musical, but rather than hire the talented Henry Selick for this one, he has handed the animation duties of to a group of six year old kids. This was done to give the film a primitive and freakish look.

THE ENDING TO "TIM BURTON PRESENTS: GEEK LOVE"
It really doesn't matter, but rest assured that it is really weird and mind blowing.

"BATMAN: THE DARK KNIGHT RETURNS"

An aging Bruce Wayne tries to convince his son to become Batman Jr.. Unfortunately his son is a cross dressing cartoonist that is obsessed with the Joker. Batman is forced to come out of retirement to rescue his son, after he has run off to join the Joker's gang.

THE ENDING TO "BATMAN: THE DARK KNIGHT RETURNS"
Realizing the Joker is no good Batman's son tries to stop the Joker himself and winds up a prisoner in the Joker's lair. Batman Sr. saves Batman Jr. and kills the Joker. Jr. decides to take on the cape and cowl but with one minor change, he shall be known as Batwoman.

You may have noticed that these films bear little resemblance to their source material. Well that is what re-imagining is all about. Previously it was known as Hollywood fucking up good ideas, but Tim Burton has perfected into an art form and thus has redefined it. But we here at Muerte Labs have a saying and it goes "Shit by any other name would smell just as rancid" and have little use for the state of the art spectacle that is re-imagining. In a sane world this will have hurt Mr. Burton's tortured artistic soul and he won't go and make these movies now that we have spilled the beans on the way out ideas that he had planned for them. Then again we do live in this world don't we?

That is all,

Dr. M