How To Set Yourself On Fire In Washington Square Park

One beautiful summer day in 1997, I was in the East Village with my friends. I had been breathing fire, quite successfully I may add, for about three years. I had always planned on doing a fire show in Washington Square Park, and this particular day seemed like the perfect time to do it. I purchased a bottle of Zippo brand lighter fluid, and using my trusty Milk and Cheese Brand Zippo Lighter, began to breathe fire by the fountain in Washington Square. However, a gust of wind came along, and blew the lit lighter fluid back into my face, setting my face, the lighter fluid that was still in my mouth, and hands on fire.

I was in flames for about thirty seconds, and I shook my face and hands till the flames went out. I felt a slight sting, but didn’t think twice about it. I personally thought it was rather funny, until my friends and the crowd that had formed around me started making comments about my face peeling. When I heard this, the only thing I was worried about was the fact that my parents would find out I was breathing fire. By then, the stinging pain changed more to a constant burning, so I jumped into the fountain and put my head over one of the fountain jets. When the jet blasted skyward into my face, all the loose bits of skin on my face shot off, and I slipped and fell on my ass. At this point, basically everyone in the area was watching me.

One spectator mentioned that I may want to walk over to St. Vincent’s, as they may have something to put on the burns. I though it was a good idea, until I realized if I checked into the hospital, they would call my parents. Reluctantly, I was led by my friends to St. Vincents. Since I had burned my throat, I began losing my voice, and by the time we got to the hospital, I could barely form words, my voice was just a scratchy mess. My face looked like it was melting off my head, complete with iceicles of yellow puss and skin hanging down.

At the Hospital, I tried to explain what happened to the receptionist, but since she couldn’t understand what I was saying she formed her own opinion of what happened. She thought I had fallen asleep in the sun and my face was scorched by harmful UV rays. My friends stepped in and explained the actual situation, at which point the receptionist began screaming that we were liars on drugs and began to kick us out. She began ripping up my paperwork, but then when she got a good look at my face, she thought twice and I was admitted.

Of course, my parents were alerted, as it turned out I had incurred second and third degree burns. I was transferred to the Burn Ward of Cornell Hospital, where I stayed for three days. When I did get out of the hospital, I was grounded for two weeks.

MORAL: Don’t breathe fire into the wind!

Click here for the original, less grammatically correct version originally printed in issue # 1